Log 19-9-1The Woman you should marry…

September 19, 2013

Must love to cook. She may not be very beautiful, but if she can cook you should seriously consider marrying her – love will come later. Granted it may not be a very glamorous or exciting sort of relationship in the very beginning. But if you give herself (the woman who loves to cook) the time and opportunity to work her magic wok on you long enough – I can almost guarantee you she will the be the only woman you ever want to love and want to grow old with. Above all her value can only appreciate upwards with time and pay off dividends handsomely once you decide to start a family.

From today onwards, I do not want to get ten to fifteen e-mails every day from men who complain they cannot find women – the only reason why so many of you are not married is because you are all searching for the wrong qualities in a woman in probably the wrong places.

You should all sign up for cooking and baking classes instead of getting drunk every evening in Zouk. I have said this again and again.

Why can’t all of you keep life simple? I don’t understand. I really don’t.

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“Every year without fail, my enemies send very beautiful women to try to seduce me to engineer my downfall. Every year they end up getting nailed. As not only do they fail miserably, but I even manage to turn these leggy sirens into double agents to spy for me along with streaming them disinformation that throw a spanner into their strategy to undo me.

Let me share with you, how it all begins and ends. First these sex bombs flash me a smile. Usually this is done during the last leg of one of those rowdy cowboy town dinners where everyone is supposed to Yam Seng as if hard liquor is Ribena – since I have perfected the art of drinking Chinese tea disguised as neat brandy – I usually only pretend to be drunk – when these women see that I am ‘high’ and assume I am most vulnerable – that’s when the move in and start to snuggle up to me and suggest we go somewhere for some home entertainment – that’s really the cue for me to ask – where? My place is usually the answer. Whereupon I jump up and down in happiness like a spinning top and shout out ‘whopeee! You are going to cook something wonderful for me!” That’s when they all give me that ‘excuse meeeee!” suprise blank look. At other times they get flustered and start to stammer as if this isn’t in the game plan and that’s not how the script is supposed to read – usually, they say something like “No! I mean, I going to give you a good time” and start to lean forward to reveal their fun bags or touch me. I tell them, “Yes! That’s what I mean, you’re going to cook something to warm the cockles of my heart!” They say “No! Not that sort of good time.” By then their confidence has gone down a few notches and that’s when I deliver the coup de grace – usually I do this by giving them a blank look of utter disappointment as if my world has come to and end along with making teeth sucking sounds while muttering “You don’t know how to cook do you?” That’s when they look at me pleadingly. I allow a moment of silence of seep in and suddenly they all burst into tears and tell me this is all very stressful lah. They don’t want to do this any more. They just want to go home – that’s when I take them somewhere nice and comfort along with use my DIY Mossad secret agent techniques (Please bear in mind, my highly popular ‘How to succeed in life like a Mossad secret agent will be republished again very soon – this time, it comes with a free mug) usually to a friends restaurant and cook them a nice meal while they spill all the beans.

This happens every year like clockwork. Exactly in the order of sequence I just described without hardly a trace of variation.

If my enemies had any cow sense at all. If they had bothered with the idea of good intelligence gathering at the inception along with character profiling and scaling threats and opportunities and not simply plumb for an off the shelf strategy – they would realize that my Achilles heel is not sex, but makan – as by nature, I am a very homely person – if they sent a woman who can cook to try to whril her way into my stomach and work her way from there into to my brain, I would probably be defenseless – but fortunately they only send women who only know how to bat their eyelids, flash their fun bags and spread their legs wide open – I am so sorry, but that’s simply no good – they’re just using the wrong tool to get the job done.

As to me there is no mystery to the black forest. No allure even to the whole idea of the illicit thrill. I am not saying I am a celibate, but in the grande scale of life’s priorities, since I am always hungry, food just happens to be more important to me than sex – besides I can’t be rolling around in bed 24/7 without my quota of caloric intake. I will die – but I need to eat six to seven times a day – as my doctors inform me my metabolic rate is exceptionally high and just go maintain my optimum weight range, I need to eat intelligently – that means I can’t be dressing up, driving, looking for parking, waiting in restaurants just to fill my tank up – that’s a really the world’s most inefficient way to fuel myself. I wouldn’t be able to get anything done, if my life is that inefficient. As not only is it time consuming, it’s also one sure fire way to get cancer of the wallet and since I am an excellent cook myself – I don’t ever get the same level of satisfaction I do from food that’s cooked outside. As usually they skimp on the good stuff and just peddle off junk food as the real McCoy, so I will probably end up dying from high cholesterol or MSG overdose – so that sort of lifestyle will only irritate me no end along with make me a very bad tempered person – now you understand why, to me sex will always be second to food. I imagine this is true for most men – most may not even consciously know this. But if you take the trouble to log down how much time the average male waste to look for food – then you would probably understand why food to me is a priority.

I think a lot of men and women don’t quite realize the strategic importance of food and how it plays such a preponderant role in modulating the law of attraction – if women know how fundamentally simple a man is, they would all probably spend their time and money on cook books and kitchen utensils instead of silver hairbrushes, lingerie and overpriced jars of moistuirizing cream where the only active ingredient just happens to be water. As the adage, a way to a man’s heart is through his stomach is very robust to be true in virtually every single case – conversely, if a man sat down and reflected deeply about sex and food – he too would probably realize after his stomach starts to rumble nothing is as beautiful as a woman who can whip a man a nourishing bowl of soup and warm the cockles of his heart – that I imagine is why the condemned never ask for the last fuck, rather they much prefer the last supper – after that it seems everything is possible, including such impossibilities as walking up to the hang man and giving him a high five before they past on to the other side.

This is the reason why you find so many handsome and successful men married to ugly women – and that could possibly explain why so many humpbacks seem have absolutely no problem in attracting beautiful women – as the secret recipe to sustaining and nourishing a long term relationship is not kamasutra as it remains makansutra.

I want to be very clear about this. As you only live once and in life a man can either devote himself to pursuing the vapid and worthless seemingly dressed up as the must have or he can set his eyes on the mundane that can only grow more valuable with the chastening passage of time – when a man learns to see women through this enlightened lens, then every woman who loves to cook can only be transformed into a ravishing beauty. It does not matter whether she is fat or even has hair on her legs – if she loves to cook – that simply means, 99% of your problems in life is sorted out. Do you all now understand why the ancients say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

As the wise can see what is valuable and beautiful. As for the fool, he will simply have to learn how to learn to dial for home deliver pizza or stand in line while his stomach rumbles away. Go and marry a woman who loves to cook – and please do not come and complain to me that you cannot find a good woman to marry. This is the one millionth time I’ve had to write and say this – last year, I even told the others to set up a vetting bureau in the virtual to help all of you find suitable gals, but no, some of you called me names like Adolf Hitler and Stalin etc etc etc, now it seems the only type of squeezes all of you seem to get are those super high maintenance pretensious cannot cook for shit bitches! – you all deserve them lah! It’s official. I give up on all of you!”

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