May 2, 2016
I don’t for one moment believe what the philosophers say about life – that one has to find oneself. I don’t believe it’s about self discovery. After all it’s not as if there is a well of wisdom locked somewhere in our head and all we have to do is drill really deep to discover treasure….no. Life is not about discovering yourself as it is the mundane business of creating who you want to be.
‘It took me many years to find my way out from the labyrinth of autism. When I first got out…it’s like I had somehow managed to do the impossible and recreated a second version of myself that was now looking at the first version who I was – who was still stuck in that riddle. For many years of my life thereafter, there was actually two of me, the man who was still fumbling in this maze and the man who was looking at this other man with two feet in your world….he was me and I was him.
I wouldn’t say, I resented the world in the maze….it’s a world, like your world and I could just as well spend my whole entire life there….but since I was now conscious of your world….it became something that I needed to understand all over again.
I know what I just wrote doesn’t make a lot of sense to you…but my whole point is it makes perfect sense to me. As that was what actually happened.
Thereafter I had to rebuild this second person who was outside the maze bit by bit – like some intricate bridge made up of bits of scraps and leftovers that the world had discarded. At first I got it wrong, but since it was my first attempt, I thought it was right….only to end up starting all over again and again. I spent many years tearing down what I built and starting all over again – you could say, I was like a man who had an image in his head, but every time he tried to put it down on paper it was wrong. So I was like a man in a room covered with acres of strewn paper – I would for instance look at people and wonder to myself, how can I be like him or her. Then I would build it from the ground up.
I know what I have written makes no sense to you….how can it. But that is really how it was.
I created myself with my own hands. No one helped me. I did it all by myself and it was very hard work. As I got it wrong so many times – and since no one really understood what I was doing, if they didn’t help me that was fine, but at times, they just made it so difficult for me to create myself that they kept tearing away at what I was working on.
I don’t blame them…as they know no better. But that didn’t make my life easier either. I had to keep working at it. Even really simple things like being conscious and keeping one’s presence and not slipping back into the maze inner world was something that I had to really work really hard at.
Like I said, I don’t belong in your world. And my natural disposition…my default position is always to revert back into my own world where I stare out into space and do my own thing…but I can’t ever allow myself to do that in your world. As if they catch me….they would know, I don’t belong here and probably kill me….so I am always like Ultraman when his beeper goes off….I know that to function in your world for one or two hours, maybe I need to put in three days of work and a ton of effort.
The good news is I am getting better at it.
I reckon at the present moment of writing this – this second person is as close as I can possibly fashion to anyone that you will ever met in the world that you know as YOUR world….only I want you to understand this…I don’t belong to your world. As there is still a part of me that belongs to that other world that is the world of the maze, that’s where I rather be….that’s who I really am.
I am never ashamed about who I really am.
I hope I didn’t confuse myself and confuse you.’
May 1, 2016
When one is autistic. No one wants to see or talk to you. Even parents of autistic kids don’t ever want to be associated with you. As you are a constant reminder of their pain. Everyone behaves as if you are not there, even those who claim sympathy for autistic people do this without realizing it – and they all seem to carry that painted expression that says, I hope he doesn’t come near us….otherwise, we would have to call people in white coats to lock him up some faraway attic.
When I was very young. Many teachers used to beat me up. I don’t blame them. As during my time the technology and knowledge about autism was severely lacking and they could only think…. I was naughty. But there was one very kind teacher who had an unusual fondness for me and she would often protect me like a guardian angel.
One day this kind lady turned to me when we were both sitting down watching trees in a park. She cupped my little face and said to me, ‘you must run…you must run as fast as your little legs can take you. I don’t know where you should run. I wished, I could tell you….but I don’t know. All I know is you cannot stay here. Otherwise they will kill you! Promise me that you will run as fast as the wind.’
I promised her.
‘When people don’t treat you well. Never get angry. That’s a bloody waste of energy. Instead get even….when all you seem to have is bad memories. Again…don’t fret. Remember. Nothing in this world happens for no rhyme or reason. Just hold on to them and remember why you need to move out from where you are. And should you have any doubt why you need to pick up and leave, just remember those bad memories. Suddenly when you do just that….you find you have wings to fly! Only those who know the secret of bad memories know of this super power….people who only collect good memories have absolutely no idea how to harness this power.
Like I said, bad things don’t just happen without any rhyme or reason…but even if they do. You can always make use of those painful experiences. You can always learn from them to add depth and breath to your character and sharpen your wisdom…experience all things in life…the good, bad and ugly.’
April 30, 2016
Want to win a by election then do it like a gentleman lah! Don’t be a gangster and dabble in back stabbing, character assassination, rumor mongering etc etc. All this will only make sane and reasonable vote against you!
‘Everyone makes mistakes in their past. That’s given. But once they’ve paid for it….it’s done and the accounts are squared and the counter goes right back to zero. That’s at least how every gentleman sees it.’
April 30, 2016
You don’t have a good plan on how to succeed in life. As even if one is not very smart PROVIDING one has a sound life strategy. One will always outperform even the most intelligent person who has either no plan or a lousy life strategy.
‘Many people have come to me thru the years. They have sought me out from afar. Only to tell me, ‘I am not very smart, but I want to succeed in life. How do I accomplish this?’ On every single occasion I have told them, you need to work on a sound life strategy. A plan on how to succeed in life.
When they follow this plan, their lives are miraculously transformed.’
April 30, 2016
What matters most is NOT who you are, it’s who you will become and this power is at this very moment in your hands. This is not theory, it’s fact as it is reality. What really matters is the choices we make in life. Who we are now and in the past is over…it’s water under the bridge. Forget it! But the choices we decide to make tomorrow , the day after, a week or month from now….that’s what will ultimately shape us all into who we are.
‘The question of who you are? Is and will always be quite irrelevant to me. The reason why I say this is simply because when I reflect back on my own life – not many people have respected or even regarded me as someone worthy. Truth is they don’t understand what I am doing or even working towards. So I don’t really blame them. That is how life is. As it’s quite hard for them to believe that a man digging a hole under the hot sun can really amount to very much in life. That’s how it is with most people – they draw simple line conclusions that often do not correspond to reality.
What’s jugular is who you will be…as that question is future sense, it’s something that will happen down the road of life….and most importantly is the understanding – this power to effect transformational change is already in the palm of your hands. You don’t have to seek it out from anyone….if you think God is necessary, then go ahead, but to me he’s optional. As what’s important for your understanding is this power is in your hand!
I need to emphasize this point not only once, but many times it seems. As very often we experience feelings of inadequacy, unhappiness and grief simply because we lose sight of this simple reality.
Who we are is not important….who we will become is very important!
This I imagine is why there are so many people who still continue to unnecessarily work themselves up over the question of – who am I? They are so fixated and obsessed by this that it’s so easy to distract, disable and derail them from their life goals. All you have to do is disrespect them a bit and they will take it so personally that it will eat and destroy them from within!
Worst of all. This is a matter that they have left entirely to other people to determine. Hence when others tell them to go there, off they go. If they say turn left, they follow and so on and so forth. So they go around trying to please ‘others’ (whoever they may be) who they think have the power to define who they are…..and most of the time, they end up nowhere!
Why? Because they never do what I consider to be most needful – that is to sit down and think very hard about who they want to be and how to become that person!
I realized I had to do this very early on in life, because I am autistic and when your brain is going the opposite direction from most people. They are bound to think I am odd and peculiar and so I will never be promoted in any organization…unless of course I happen to work for a very understanding boss who takes the trouble to understand why my brain is the way it is. Unfortunately in life, no body seems to be very interested to understand other people, they are fixated on their own problems and their own lives and that is only natural. So I realized that I had to take control and once you reach this diamond realization…YOU HAVE TO TAKE CONTROL…you suddenly have the confidence to do many things – that is why when people talk behind my back and whisper, he is a nobody that has dirt underneath his nails and is going nowhere. I just ignore them and continue to do my own thing. You have a gang, you want me to conform to what you all believe to be some so called norms, guess what see that door…I am walking thru it. Finish. I go my way!
I never follow other people. I am not saying your way leads nowhere. But I have to follow my own path that is all. So don’t take it personally, it’s strictly business for me.
Neither do I empower ‘others’ with the right to define who I am….you can certainly try….only remember the door! As who I am will always be a matter to be defined by only me and no one else. That is my right. I don’t say this causally, it’s a matter of upmost seriousness to me….the business of who I am, that is.’
April 28, 2016
I know you get rain in Singapore. But where I turn the wheel of life up north – it’s dry. When it rains, it’s Mickey Mouse rain…no good.
I started to implement a series of radical measures to mitigate the effects of lack of precipitation and sharply increased temperatures.
Firstly, the scheduled manuring dosages for the month of April has been sharply reduced from 3 Kg per palm to 2.3 Kg. The selection of fertilizer has also been tweaked to take stock of lower precipitation. To complement this I have also started pruning the excess fronts to limit the effects of trans aspiration (trees losing moisture thru the foliage when exposed to the scorching sun).
Pruning is a very delicate and risky affair. As when too many leafs are removed it can negatively effect the ability of the tree to conduct photosynthesis – but if too little leafs are removed, it may exacerbate moisture loss thru leaf exposure to the harsh rays of the sun.
The balance has to be exactly right.
The way I see it, the last of the rains will begin petering off by mid May and the onset of the South Westerly Monsoon will probably presage the arrival of the dry season that will last from June till possibly early September.
I don’t expect the yield to be spectacular at all during this period – it will most probably nose dive dramatically as we creep further into May.
April 28, 2016
When everyone expects you to say something and you decide to keep quiet….that is when your silence speaks volumes.
When everyone expects you to say something and you decide to talk, talk and talk…that is when all your talking speaks nothing.
‘My recent land acquisition has created a lot of speculation amongst my business rivals…it has become the talk of the whole town – they all cannot figure out how is it possible for a wash out to pull a rabbit out of the hat. You see it’s very simple, for the last five years….I have been playing dead. I have been doing such a good job of remain still and keeping ultra low profile…then suddenly this!
I am remind of Sun Tzu’s axiom – when strong pretend to be weak.
To add to heady mix I have spread many rumors in the market – When some people ask me how did I manage to arrange the financing…I told them casually, it’s a donation. Fortunately these days such incredulous fairytale accounts are very believable…since they are occurring all the time (real or imagined matters not). To other groups, I told them, I have created a consortium to call my own….then to others, I told them, I am not the actual owner…I am just a proxy for the powers that be….pointing skywards only to walk away….leaving a question mark in the air.
The goal is to create so much confusion, disorientation and disinformation that it makes it quite impossible for my business rivals to get a handle over the situation – all they have is smoke and mirrors and a lot of holograms galore and this should be enough for the time being to blunt any counter attack.
Nonetheless. A counter attack will come very soon….of that I have absolutely no doubt. That is one reason why I have specifically included so many penalty clauses in the land agreement. I expect a very robust resistance.
Hence it’s necessary for me to maintain this fog of confusion to mask my real intentions while I proceed. This will force many of my business rivals to come to the table and talk peace…either that or they will have send emissaries to explore the possibility of a detente.
Now many of my business rivals are still reeling from this surprise attack. But soon they will recover, regroup and strategize their new course of action.
Meanwhile I must find a way to divide and rule them….the best way to accomplish this is to provision infinite dead ends to waste their time and suck up valuable men and material. Otherwise, this can all turn very ugly as now I have both my feet planted in the boxing ring…the blessing comes with the curse…I have to fight to the very end now. Retreat is no longer possible…..I am too deep…well past the point of no return.’
April 27, 2016
If a man only eats what he desires and avoids that which he is either unfamiliar with or believes to be distasteful…then he will NOT grow well.
Similarly, if a man yearns only be happy all the time, but avoids suffering, hardship, loneliness, despair and all things that push him to the very limits of his sanity, strength and patience….then he will NOT grow well either.
‘One should where possible experience ALL aspects of life – the good, bad, ugly, painful, dark, light, lonely, shameful etc etc. Experience it all….the whole range…up and down and everything in between…never be choosy, nor afraid or even harbor any preconceived notions as to how it may all begin and end. Never!
Don’t be afraid of experiencing pain, remorse, disappointment and hardship.
The most important thing is never allow others to stop you from experiencing all this for yourself first hand….you will find in life, there will be many frogs in the well who will tell you to stay where you are and be contented with your lot.
Only understand this – if you listen to these frogs, you will go nowhere and experience nothing in life and none the wiser for it. Life will past you by like a meteorite that lights the night skies momentarily only to disappear forever into darkness.
In truth, there is only one reality – the more one experiences all that the discomfort zone can throw out, the more one can only mature, grow wise and worldly…that is reality. The rest is just happy nonsense.
You can be the most intelligent person in the world, but if you don’t have experience or practical knowledge that comes from experiential exposure in the discomfort zone – then you are just a very brilliant theoretician….that is no bloody good! No one is going to listen to you….no one who is a man of substance at least….all you will have is kids looking up to you. As so many things in this world can only be revealed from actual experience.
So do not fear the discomfort zone! Embrace it!’
April 26, 2016
People who read my blog earn twice more than the average worker…they also feel much more positive and optimistic about their prospects and the future. They are also very confident and have no problems whatsoever managing themselves and others effectively.
That is why we just don’t exist and much prefer to grow from strength to strength…this is the coronet of brotherhood.
April 26, 2016
Singapore imports most of its vegetables, fruits, poultry and hen eggs from its neighbour, Malaysia. In 2015, official figures show Singapore imported 41 per cent, or 224,800 tonnes, of its vegetables from Malaysia. Singapore also imported 36 per cent of its fruit supply from Malaysia last year.
‘The drought is very very serious in Malaysia. Having said that, I don’t believe for one moment the decision and policy makers really appreciate how serious the problem actually is and can be…you see there has been hardly any preparation at the grass root level to mitigate the effects of a prolonged drought – as it stands today, the first monsoon of 2016 has either failed to materialize or has been delayed. Hence rice planting has already been rolled back in most of the northern rice belt regions in Malaysia…for how long no one really knows. Now there is talk of the drought dragging on till September 2016. All this would mean there will be a significantly shortfall in yield and it’s very likely this will all translate into increased food prices for consumers in Singapore. Not only greens will be affected, but livestock as well. As when there is no rain, the rivers, reservoirs and tributaries all dry up – the entire ecology is affected.
The problem in Malaysia is many of the policy makers don’t ever believe in forward planning – they much prefer to play the blame game whenever things don’t go to plan. Or try to deflect blame here and there and anywhere else except do that which is most needful – work to formulate a solution.
So it’s fair to say the problem will be very serious.’
April 26, 2016
I am very lucky, I reckon. Most people fight and they die. But in my case, I have waged a war against forces that are numerically superior and better networked and still I have managed to carve a small corner for myself…..I will savor this day as it is the culmination of everything that I have done since I came here….after this day. I will be unstoppable….and they all know it!
I have finally come full circle and this fills me with happiness.
April 24, 2016
I have been offered a parcel of land to buy…..it’s a sweet piece of land that will double my current holdings. But suddenly I find it so very difficult to believe this to be true. As I have fought for so many years against the consortium that is created specifically to prevent me from expanding my business….all I have ever known is hardship, strife and suffering….and now this….how can this be true….nothing has ever come to me without having to stick my neck out…every inch of land that I have has been paid for with blood and tears…how can it be so easy this time round…how is that even possible….maybe it is a trap.
Maybe I got lucky this time….maybe I am just there at the right time and place….maybe someone upstairs is looking down at me and he’s smiling.
‘If I can conclude this deal. It would deal a decisive blow to my business rivals. Not any blow, but one that will be so shocking that it will certainly demoralize them completely and divide at least half of them and compel many to question whether it is still worthwhile to continue fighting me.
After all, it will be a very expensive proposition and an awfully dangerous one for any of them to continue to resist me AFTER this….at this level of the game….if they scale it wrong…it’s sudden death.
I would no longer a pocket battle ship. I will have the capacity to take the battle to them and inflict real and lasting damage. I must strike hard. I must strike like a cobra…for so many years I have laid low, remained quiet and so very still like a stone….now opportunity presents itself for the very first time after so many years. I must strike decisively with the element of surprise firmly on my side. I will never have another clear shot as perfect as this…the stars only line up this perfectly once in a man’s lifetime and no more…why it lines up is not for me to know. The only thing is to seize the opportunity and strike now!
Thereafter I will say I am sorry and pretend to be remorseful and sue for peace the best I can.
I do not expect all to come to the table….but enough will and that is all that matters.
I must strike! I must….but why am I delaying?’
April 22, 2016
April 19, 2016
Since I saw a ghost dog in my plantation. I am scared and got into my car and drove to the city. Now I have to find the brightest place in the city which happens to be a mall under renovation….I will be staying there….there are no shadows here…..it’s the brightest place in the world.
‘My lawyers told the owner of mall…I may be interested to buy the building providing I can sleep there. They all look at each other slightly puzzled and after a while they said, we will arrange for a bed, desk and toilet facilities. Thereafter the whole floor was emptied and workers began to fill the space.’
April 18, 2016
April 16, 2016
Originally it looks like this. Then….
Because I am autistic. I can only work alone. During my university days. I worked many jobs ranging from a tower post installer who solo climbs skyscrapers to a welder in a shipyard. But one of the most interesting jobs that I ever apprenticed in was a shoe patinage and galcage tradesman – it’s a job that only very few tradesman can aspire too as it requires a whole gamut of skills ranging from leather curing, preparation to tanning along with bringing out the natural beauty of leather – I was exceptionally good at my job.
A patinage by a skilled artisan would usually range from anywhere between SGD$800 to $2,000 – I was somewhere around the $1,500 mark – really rich shoe cognoscenti’s would send in their shoes and I would transform them from mundane footwear to a work of art.
If you want this service for your high priced boring shoes, just drop me a post and I will give you my address where you can send your shoes to be worked on….I reserve the right to full creative license. I don’t ever take orders.
3 months you will get it back. The leather has to be fair, tanned or fawn shoes are very good. Otherwise it’s no good. I don’t charge for my services BUT I expect you to make a substantial donation to the path light school in Singapore for my services.
I work on a honor and trust basis…so I will leave it to you to make good on your part of the bargain.
I don’t want anything…..since I don’t ever watch TV, I much prefer to work with my hands during the evenings in the plantation.
April 15, 2016
Big Foot, my three year old female Doberman is dying. It’s been a month since her cobra bite and while she seemed to be making progress in her recovery initially…of late she is seems to be showing signs of breathlessness and lethargy. These past few days her condition has deteriorated markedly and I suspect the venom has caused irreparable and fatal organ damage.
This morning as I prepared to feed her by tube and syringe again, she pushed my hand away as if to tell me, ‘no more master…it’s time.’ Dogs can intuit when their time nears…they know better than us humans.
It’s very heart wrenching to lose a dog. I don’t think ordinary people back in the home front can understand how close the bond can be between farmer and dog. It is impossible to recount and I will not even try. When one considers how a whole week and even a month can go right by without seeing another human being….these are really one’s only constant companions – dogs are a sort of surrogate family and constant companionship….so when one of them goes, it cuts deep into the marrow and the pain is so very sharp.
I did not go to work today. I could not. You could say I loss the will to do so. Instead, I just sat beside big foot with her head on my lap humming to her….travel well, my love. Papa farmer loves you so very much with all his heart.
‘Living doesn’t get easier with practice. No it doesn’t. I admit, it should, but it doesn’t work that way – as when one elects to live and not just exist or go thru life with an acquired sense of casual indifference. Then I guess at some point one has to make a commitment to love. And when one decides to cross that mythical line.
There’s always the possibility of getting hurt.
Sometimes, I say to myself if it’s going to be so bloody painful all the time, why even bother. Maybe I should hold back some…keep a distance…save a bit of myself so that I don’t have to go thru the grief of loss.
But to go thru life without love and fearing intimacy is to live only partially and not completely and totally.
And that is exactly what most people prefer to do without them even consciously realizing it – they much prefer to hold back, so that if something bad happens, their life will just go right on without hardly a flutter.
They don’t want to know more about you. Not because they aren’t interested. But they’re just afraid if they allow you into their life, then there’s always the possibility you may turn it upside down should things take a wrong turn…..they are content to say, this is the broad line that separates me from you! Your world is there, mine is over here! That’s how most people prefer to go thru the rest of life.
As when one makes a decision to live, then love follows quite naturally and there’s always the risk it may not end well.
But I have no regrets as along the way, we had so many beautiful moments of unalloyed laughter, joy and special moments together that I would never trade in by living a compromise life – which could never ever come about had there been anything resembling restraint, fear and a morbid aversion to emotional pain. Granted, living certainly isn’t like old seasoned leather, it doesn’t get easier or more mellow with age or the repeating, it will always be fraught with risk and pain, but I much prefer that way, as I want to feel the wind against my cheeks when I run as fast as my legs can take me.’
April 15, 2016
There is no known way to deal with toxic people without one getting poisoned as well….it’s a lose lose game, where you either lose big or small, that is all.
The best strategy is to disappear completely
‘That’s what I do when I come across toxic people. I disappear. Trust me anyone can disappear, it’s really like that nifty cloaking device in that Klingon space ship, the bird of prey in Star Trek….and that’s what I do.
Because there is no way to reason intelligently with toxic people. As they are really a psychological and emotional hand grenade with it’s pin working lose. So if you happen to be around their neighborhood, that’s it – as to why they don’t like you or see the compelling need to grind you to the ground. Again it’s got nothing whatsoever to do with what you did or did not do to toxic people….like I said, they’re just people who are terribly unhappy about life and everything that makes up the four corners of their world…you don’t have to do anything to be in the crosshairs of toxic people. You could just be breathing and they’ll still take pot shots at you!
That’s why I just pick up my bag and run as fast as I can away from them.’
April 15, 2016
Every morning when I wake up, I meditate for five minutes and I say to myself, ‘Listen, there are two possible ways for this new day to unfurl: you can be miserable, or you can be incredibly happy. Choose.’ And I always choose to be happy.’
‘Happiness is a choice. A decision. A life selection. I guess going by what philosophers have to say, it could very well be a state of mind. Or if we are to believe what scientist have to say about how the chemicals in our brain makes us feel happy or sad, it could perhaps even be a body of knowledge like Biology ….but for me, I rather just keep it simple and regard it as simply a choice…a decision…an attitude which I have chosen to live my life.
It took me many years to reach this one realization…..and when I reflect back, it was perhaps a sort of waste to have gone so many times around the block without even knowing it was always right in the palm of my hands and that it was always there for the taking…..that’s the really strange thing about people. We tend to look for happiness outside. We believe it’s to be found in that special person who will one day come into our life. Or that if we get this or that, then happiness will follow. That is maybe why we search so hard and long for it.
I only realized this one day when I was sitting so very still all by myself after searching for so very long and not finding it, then like a phantom image that one sometimes sees in the corner of one’s eye….it suddenly stood there before me.
I wasn’t consciously searching for happiness then…you could even say, I had given up completely on the idea….but there it was….right before me.
April 14, 2016
Normal people are just determined. But it’s very easy for autistic people to be fanatical without even trying very hard…trust me….so when they set their mind to do something, usually we work at it non stop 365, 24/7 and it’s the only thing there is and it’s as good as a done deal!
I want you all to keep this at the back of your head as I feel there is deficit of respect here!
Normal people cannot do this….no they cannot. As Dick Lee once said, ‘you only think you can!’…but I can and so can my entire gang….so if you touch one of us, we will set aside our differences and come after you…..please remember it’s not personal, it’s a vampire and brotherhood thingy, because in the order of things that is how it will go down, so please leave Dr LWL alone.
This is my last and final warning to the internet brigade….as our spies have informed us there is going to be another name and shame campaign…yes, you are right we have spies embedded in your camp…keep this always in mind, I really dowan to drop a cerebral atomic bomb on anyone…remember I have renounced my evil ways before the entire world on 2013….please help me to be a productive member of society…please…..do everything so that I don’t relapse back into my evil ways….think! Use your mentality, one day if you’re applying for a job, it could well be one of us on the other side….one day if you desperately need a business loan…ditto….is it worth it?
As you can see we can duck and fuck up your entire life!
Just remember this – live and let live! And everything will work out well!
My name is Darkness….I am incredibly cute and I come in the name of peace!
‘When I had nothing to call my own. I said to myself one day before the mirror…I will make something out of this heap. Today it is so different, when I go for a business meeting everyone is there half a hour before I appear…..I can even demand really crazy things and no one will bat an eyelid like insisting that a presentation be done backwards….most people will just say, he is a genius!…yes, it’s a marvelous suggestion as things are much clearer when we do it his way – on one occasion, I even decided to share with everyone in a serious business meeting why I think it would be best if we all refrained from consuming milk products and everyone was so thankful and even thought I was the world’s most caring and considerate man…..there are times when I sit all by myself and wonder perhaps whether it’s the world that is weird and not really me.’