Chapter 2 – The Pearl Earings

Spending an entire month’s wage on a pair of pearl earrings was bad enough – what could be worse than this, except perhaps to spend another month’s wage, on an identical pair of pearl earrings.

That morning as I sat on the edge of my bed cupping my head, I wondered what could possibly be worse than even this.

Except perhaps having no one to give this second pair of earrings too! I should have known better, but as I often said, I had forgotten that I was my greatest enemy. I really should have known better.

Chinatown in London was a small village where everyone knew everyone, even those who did not know themselves were known by the others. The Jeweler who I purchased the first earrings from was a Shanghainese by the name of Mr. Kam who had a sparkling bald head like the many jade rings he often sold.

He would often be seen gossiping in the many teahouses in China town. Just as tailors would often seek out the suits they once worked on or cobblers at the shoes they once labored over and derive a sense of pride from their workmanship. So it was very much the nature of Mr Kam the jeweler to always seek out the stones he sold to the tai tai’s in China town, and whenever he saw them, it was like a reunion between old friends and his eyes would beam in satisfaction and he would proudly say,

“Aiyah, I know who gave you this, it came from my shop”.

That evening during the Chinese New Year celebration, the earrings I have given my mistress, had caught the eye of this talkative jeweler who often spoke his mind. Though he could never really be sure, this man would often recount to others in the tea houses how those earrings he saw that night resembled the same design and size he had sold me a few weeks ago.

When this reached the ears of some of the elders wifes, some of them began asking me who this lucky girl was. Others were even bolder, asking me whether they could take a peek at these earrings. Behind their smiling faces, I knew that as soon as their husbands would come to hear of this rumor they would not be smiling – it was a serious matter. I was swimming in treacherous waters and had I hesitated even for a moment to even clear my throat, it would have been my undoing, so. I pretended to be shy about the matter and even blushed, while secretly I worked furiously to cover my tracks.

Fortunately that week, some of the work, I did for the old man took me far up North to Manchester and on one of those trips, I stopped over in a Jeweler shop owned by a Hakka and commissioned an identical set of pearl earrings. This time, I had chosen well, this man had a mouth as tight as an oyster and though it was never ever proven, rumor had it, he was once convicted for forgery, and. If anyone knew the importance of discretion, it would have been this man who dealt with counterfeits.

He even furnished me with a back dated receipt he crumpled a few times to cover the earrings I had given my mistress, and. Though he spoke very little, when it was time to leave, this man said, it would be better if I left by the back door.

That evening on my return to London, I was summoned by some of the elders in the Triad to dinner who expressed an interest to see my gift and to enquire for who this gift was supposed to be for.

Though I was not a superstitious man that evening I visited the only temple in China town above a Pakistani provision shop and knelt before the wooden figurine of Kwang Kung. I prayed a soldiers prayer,

“protect me from evil and should I have to fight my way out, give me the strength of ten men”.

With these word, I tapped my breast pocket and the reassuring sound of the pearls rattling seemed almost to agree with my prayers – then I walking towards my appointment with death.

I wondered what manner of creature I would prefer to be reincarnated as – would it be a monkey, goat, snake, buffalo, dog, turtle, cat, elephant, horse, tiger, leopard, dolphin, gold fish, parrot, lizard, eagle, crow, sparrow etc – I was 23 years of age and never ever before was I so aware, I was my greatest enemy.

My name is Huan Guan and this is a true story, tell no one please.

Darkness 2002

Chapter 1

“My mistress was the third wife of the old man who I served in the moment of my youth – she was the fairest of them all – like all women in the old man’s household, her place was set in ancient stone like the chair she occupied during her mah jong sessions with the rest of his other wife’s.

This seat which faced the East, meant she was never the first to eat and always the last to leave the table and she was expected always to pour tea for the older mistresses and remain silent unless spoken too – this was the way politics was conducted in the household of the old man – whenever the old man visited, the older mistresses would be jealous of my mistress because he only had eyes for her – so both the first and second mistress would gossip behind her back and this saddened my mistress – as she could never seem to do or say any thing right, even when she tried so very hard to please them.

In the afternoons, my mistress took long walks in the nearby park in Hampstead Heath, where I was expected to serve as her silent driver and body guard – I was always expected to stay seven paces behind her – seven paces was good, just enough room to roll, whip out my pistol and fire a shot – the old man was a triad boss in China town and had many enemies and I took my job seriously.

One afternoon during her walks, she stopped and turn towards me, in that one moment, I was struck by her tragic beauty, her eyes, mouth and almond shaped face all conspiring with the dying light transformed her into the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.

In the days that followed, I found myself imagining her wind sweep hair as she looked at me mournfully, the image clung to me like seaweed never ever once leaving me and even when I dedicated myself to study, there was just enough of her to torment me – eventually she confided to me her deepest and most intimate feelings which I swore never to tell another soul – and for the first time, I realize the depths of her sorrow.

As time passed I came to relish the moment when we were together, the rustling of decaying leafs, the lingering aroma of her perfume, all these things I longed for but above all, I wished only to be with her – she always recounted to me the events of the day and I would listen to her, never once saying a word, except perhaps to nod my head to signify that I understood.

On my 23rd birthday after successfully finishing the second of my degree in Imperial College, my mistress gave me a pair of matching jade cufflinks – she swore me to secrecy and though I said, I was not in a position to accept such a valuable gift, she thrust it into my hands with a gentle smile.

Of all people, I had forgotten that which I had always reminded myself, I was my worst enemy and I accepted her gift.

In return, I bought her a set of pearl earrings – though it cost nearly a month’s wages, I knew it would make her happy and that was all that really mattered, I survived on sandwiches and instant noodles that whole month, but the thought of giving her something she would wear from time to time was enough to fill the void in me and I was the happiest man who ever lived.

That Chinese New Year, the old man celebrated with eighty eight tables – it had been a prosperous year and it was also his moment to show off his new bride to the whole of China town.

And though she sat on the main table and I was so very far away – when she saw me wearing her cuff links, she lowered her eyes and smiled shyly – though this lasted only for a moment, she was very much like a cloud being carried away with the wind as she gently touched the pearl earrings I had given her.

At age 23, I Huan Guan was like a sampan sailing into treacherous and uncharted waters.

This is my true confession, tell no one.”

Darkness 2002

Its not what you have

We live in a strange world, where its not uncommon for folk to insist they are environmentally conscious. Yet they do incomprehensible stuff like promote a use and throw culture to such a shameful point where a whole community could probably live off their rubbish. If we really care abt the environment, then what we need to do is consume less and learn to live peacefully with what we already own instead of mindlessly buying lock and barrel into a use and throw culture. But I realise the reason why most ppl don’t do this is not because they prefer to be happily ambivalent or they’re evil. Rather they don’t know how to take care stuff. Wonder no more why when things don’t work… They either throw it away or buy a new one. Take the case of my iron horse. A Toyota Hilux 4×4. It was conceived in an age when electronics first started to make their way into cars. So it still has a nice balance of analog and digital and most importantly it was designed in an era when firms were still relatively proud of their engineering and were largely dismissive of the unethical practice of planned obsolescence – a term for products designed deliberately to break or fail for no good reason (like mobile phones) or to quickly go out of style. But I digress. Coming back to the point. I lived for many years smack in the middle of the wilderness n this meant if anything broke or didn’t work in my car. I couldn’t just call a tow truck to fish me out of a fix. I had to learn to fix it myself. And in the years. I got to know everything abt my car that I could probably take it apart and put it all back again. And what I gathered is simply this, if you take really good care of stuff, you could in theory use it forever. It would just go on and on and on and in some cases it would even be sturdier and better than new stuff. And this philosophy applies to my shoes, blender, fridge and maybe everything that I own.

What people don’t seem to understand is that if one claims to care abt people n planet. This declaration of faith, doesn’t by itself magically transform one into an environmentally conscious person anymore than living in a cave neccessarily makes one a geologist. This is what fake environmentalist like Greta Thunberg and her 2 dimensional cardboard (bleach) clique don’t seem to understand. True consciousness to save the planet first requires a serious commitment to the acquisition of knowledge and secondly the application of knowledge to care and fix stuff……to paraphrase, if you don’t even know how to hold a screw driver you have no right to call yourself an environmentally conscious person.

Autism is not a curse

What’s a curse is when a few arse holes in our community expect EVERYONE to think and behave and react exactly like them and if you just happen to be different. They will have no hesitation whatsoever to categorise you as a threat or label you according to their contorted idea of normality! That’s the real curse!……. But autism per se is not a curse.

We have to be crystal clear on this subject! Simply because when a lie is repeated again n again, at some point it will be normalised and morph into some semblance of the ‘truth.’

But the moment someone who has the gulis to stand up and say no! Then the lie stays a lie and it stays that way for as long as some idiot challenges it again….. Thats how we fight this war.

I want to be clear so that the battle lines are broad, clear and unambiguous. I stand with my autistic brothers. I don’t want your world of make belief normalcy and don’t you test me. Don’t. Because I outhink you in such a manner where the back of your hair stands and it will be so frightening that you wished that you didn’t stir this shit storm!

I want you to understand. I am not just one person talking in the dark. I am legion!

Tik Tok deserves to get shut down in the USA!

What is the board of directors in Tik Tok hoping to get out of this! For the life of me. I don’t understand. This CEO is obviously not the type that can hold his own in the lions den for more than fifteen seconds… So why was he even selected to go before a senate committee in the first place. The lesson is clear as day – never get a sheep to do a wolfs job!

No one owes anyone a living! I know this is not nice, but there’s really no nice way to say this – they gang banged you Ah Shou!

Super duper Pasembur & The economic outlook

I am not for one moment telling you what you should do. But for me. The case is clear as day. A recession is definitely coming. It has too simply because with the US Fed’s destructive fixation in hiking interest rates to fight inflation. They have inadvertently set into motion (they have lost control over the game….. from this point onwards. Its not how the FED plays this game as much as how the game will play them! They r well and truly in fuck territory!) a series of deadly events that will ultimately affect the entire Banking system not only in the US, but all over the world as well. This has created not only a trust deficit with banks, but it has also heightened the sense of fear and anxiety as well and all this can only culminate in a credit crunch where liquidity just dries up simply because Banks will be reluctant to lend money when interest rates keep going up and up. The long and short goes like this, the chairman of the Fed Powell has got a lousy recipe for the sauce and loads of people are just throwing up en masse. In a sense running the economy is not so different from serving up a delicious plate of Pasembur… The sauce really needs to hit the spot. If it doesn’t. Its no good.

Change?

What change r these two alpha apes planning? This is incidentally making me very nervous.

It’s only psychological

That’s what the experts keep insisting about the current banking crisis to allay fears and anxieties. But they don’t seem to realise that the entire banking industry hinges on really only one psychological metric and that is trust, and when that is compromised, there’s really nothing else to hold back the flood…… No. This is not the end. Its just the beginning.

The Saddest People in the world

….. Are those who don’t care enough to get excited abt anything or anyone. There’s no fire in their life and although they may well be in their fifties and sixties, you just know deep down they died a very long time ago and what’s left is really just a shell. I think to live well, one needs to take risk. This may sound simple, but it’s not. Because the moment you choose to live, youve already exposed yourself to hurt and pain. But to me that’s the necessary price to live. I used to live in the plantation with over 10 dogs and I remember telling myself – don’t get too close to them, because when they go, you will miss them terribly and it will hurt like hell. But it’s hard not to love them when they love you unconditionally… maybe when they passed on I missed them alot and it hurt alot more than I ever imagined. But thinking back it was worth it. And I would probably do it all over again at a drop of a hat. Those were some of my happiest days.

On the subject of Death

I don’t fear it. As I know it deep down in my bones, when it comes, it will be in a blink of an eye. What I really fear is the people who I love who I will not be able to take care of any longer.

Why have kids in Singapore

The mini skirt answer is. Because it is very very difficult to do so! Not because it is easy. As it is conceivable to live well man has to bear the burden of difficulty and uncertainty . My feel on this issue has to be controversial, only because when I reflect on the whole idea of parenting, it is not a rumination as much as a real experience. If I was Sumiko Tan or Bertha Hanson talking abt this issue, it would probably be just coffee table abstraction stuff. But this is 5 chili dead serious, as a parent I must admit it has been difficult for me and my wife. Having said that it doesn’t mean that I would not do it all over again simply because I have always repudiate the notion that the goal of life is to reduce the sum of its elements to its base and simplest values as if the goal of life is to go thru it bubble wrapped. Life to my understanding cannot be reduced into anything resembling a yellow brick road map that is safe, simple and stress free, nor should it be that if the imperative is for man to genuinely grow emotionally and spiritually and intellectually. My feel is that life is intrinsically mysterious, difficult and complicated and possibly even frightfully dangerous. Only then can man find himself. I realise my theories abt life can at times stand apart from the mainstream, but if I did not have to deal with the complication of having kids, I would have most probably lived a life of dissipation that revolved around meaningless rituals and end up as some philosophically self centered male version of Marie Kondo. I can’t imagine anything more grotesque for a man to turn into. Raising kids is difficult! It will always be difficult no matter how much the government strives to mitigate the hardship, but paradoxically it is this hardship that is a necessary component of living well.

On Singapores declining baby numbers

I think its uphill. Not because declining birthrates cannot be effectively reversed. Rather the problem has to do with how the narrative is so often structured in the Singaporean stream of consciousness. If you notice (you don’t even have to try hard) EVERY minister who broaches this subject will first begin by reminding their target audience that this is a global trend in most developed countries and that Singapores declining birthrate is frame against this intractable trend. But I think, if the problem is framed against countries, counties and perfectures worldwide that has managed to successfully reverse declining birthrates due to imaginative policies, then I think it will be much easier to make meaningful progress.

As it is, it’s just an exercise in reinforcing failure.

Why I am dead against blanket bail outs like Silicon Valley Bank

The primary reason has nothing to do with the issue of moral hazard. To me this is just an oxymoronic word that means everything yet nothing at the same time. The real resson why blanket bail outs r bad for banks and conceivably every other business is simply BC the dumbo’s who were responsible for crappy ship sinking decisions will STILL be allowed to circulate unmitigated within the banking system. This is in stark contrast to the collapse of FTX where those responsible were hauled up and prosecuted most importantly they were prevented from recirculating in the system and their eventual ejection is what really makes the system more robust.

Readership

I’ve been writing since probably the beginning of the beginning when the Internet was just a baby puss. And I can tell you this – it’s never the quantity of readers that matters as it has and will always be the quality……. You could just have a table of readers, but if they happen to be very serious folk. The mountain will simply have to make way. Either that or it would simply cease to exist next week!

The Story of SVB

One should be dead serious about financial IQ only BC there are so many people out there who keep telling you and me that everything is OK and it’s business as usual. Truth is when politicians keep insisting banks are safe it may well be a good time to just run like hell!

Sleeper Train

Finding Yourself

When the sages say, one should find oneself to live well. What they actually mean is that we should always observe our thoughts to gain a deeper insight into our nature. When we have insights abt our temperament, quirks and characteristic. This allows us to fine tune our lives.

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Autism doesn’t really allow one to live naturally. That is because to live naturally one needs to intuit and since I wasn’t born with this life hack. I was forced to reverse engineer an approximation of the capacity to intuit inorder to live naturally. In the process of developing this prototype. I had to observe others and especially myself with a level of detail that can only be described as scientifically prosaic. I would for example interrogate why someone didn’t like another or even why they liked. But I soon realised there were limits to observing others. So I had to rediscover so much of what comprised of human character. This I got out mostly from books and movies. I would for example compile the life cycle of love and write about its various stages from the initial euphoria to the ennui of its indifference when love decayed and since I did not have the capacity to intuit. I had to assemble a room filled with emotional hemispheres in a way a perfumer has rows of little bottles of scent with each bottle holding a scent that marked a spectrum of intensity. Then slowly n laboriously I would put together this emotional experience in the way a perfumer assembles the top, middle and base notes. I this convoluted manner I was able to experience love, empathy and maybe twenty two ranges of human emotions. But what I could never truly come to terms with was the feeling of complete desolation that shadowed me all my life as an autistic person. It wasnt pain as much as the feeling of being marooned in some vast and empty mall all by myself where I seemed condemned to wander listlessly forever. I think it was in this place that I truly gained insight into who I was and from that moment you could say that I was literally unstoppable. The lesson I learnt was I was completely alone and that no one could ever understand me in the way I understood myself. There was no contrition to this epiphany. No resentment even. I accepted it in the way a man walks on a desolate island only to suddenly come across footprints on the sand and repudiating the idea that it could belong to another….as it could only be mine. As I was all alone in this rock. I was truly alone. I think having an insight into one owns life even if its just a vignette can significantly alter one’s outlook to life and the broader world. This is because in the epic search to find myself I observed many and I realised the vast majority of humans don’t ever seem to be interested in finding themselves. They may rumminate, speculate and even theorise over and over again why their neighbors leave trash lying at their porch when they could just throw it in the bin less than four feet away. But there’s no real motivation to ask themselves – why even bother speculating abt this and that when your own life is a right mess! I guess to value something, one needs to do without it.

The Story of Silicon Valley Bank

The fancy bank that regularly services tech firms and start ups was brought down by the oldest game in town: good olde fashion run on the bank. But the sudden implosion of SVB underscores a far more worrisome emerging problem that is likely to affect the banking world in general, not just US banks, but ALL banks interconnected with the dollar economy – that is the unrelenting rate hikes by fed to combat inflation. When the US Fed raises interest rates. Every central bank in the world except North Korea is compelled by one shape or form to do the same and this will increasingly stress out the banks.

SVB may well be the first to go down, but it certainly not be the last. My feel is this might just be the beginning of an ugly story that is just abt to ripple thru the banking world.

Hard Work

…..especially the sort that involves vigorous physical exertion is spiritual. A man should never be divorced completely from the exhilaration that comes from physical exhaustion. Nothing brings him closer to spiritual completeness.

Why it is unrealistic to expect food prices to be lower in Singapore.

The mathematics of reality goes something like this. Since 2021 circa April, the cost of fertilizer has been increasing steadily. To date at the time of this blog entry the price of base nitrogen, phosphorous and pottasium mix has gone up by a staggering 230% (this is a very conservative estimation). Cereals which incidentally is wholly imported in Sg is likely to be further price stressed. One reason why we don’t feel significant price hikes in wheat et al is because we are still drawing on 2021 inventories, but once this stockpiles begin to run out, prices will likely rise. When the Western propagandist insist that the world doesnt need anything from Russia….. What they didn’t feature in their calculations was fertilizers. So hold on tight because even if you don’t eat bread on a regular basis many life stock such as chicken and cows and farm breed fish are entirely chowing on cereals.