I Surrender

February 15, 2009


You win Dotty.

“Pain can never be taken philosophically; otherwise it isn’t pain. Today Dr Kim told me she will certainly die within the month. Yet as I walked aimlessly through this streets, I feel nothing – can it be I am still yet to live and experience life? My eyes have hardly opened, have they? I am simply a child standing before the portal of life – all this is so clear when someone you love only once in your life has to suddenly leave you.


The old say, the more humane we become, the more likely we are to suffer the pain of others. To love simply means to embrace vulnerability, to be even woundable in the way a man grips and searches out the sweetness of her lover in a moment’s ache. Never made easier by the solace of simply observing from afar, but here where she is before me, I can no more deny her existence any more than I can say, I never once existed. 

If it is not given me to know the course of time, then the best I can do is to be attentive, to watch the moments go by, to feel her occasional caress and to revel in her closeness. You could say this is how a man who has never loved ambles his away across this strange terrain.


It’s like trying to work my way along a wall in the dark, It doesn’t serve me to turn and rail against the wall; it may have been placed there so that I don’t slip and fall over the edge – that evening, after finishing my fifth cigarette – I decided to walk beside her again….slowly, one step at time, I retraced my steps to the hospital – lets see where it goes. If this is the script the story teller of life has penned for me, then I shall simply have to utter my lines! Do I even have a choice? What I will have to do can never be considered an accomplishment or failure worth mentioning – it’s simply what it takes to be a human being who loves another more than himself – to live for the moment, that is and not to expect anything in return except pain. You could say, I have finally discovered my purpose, my reason to live and a reason to enthomb my selfishness……and with it, this has to be the first day of my awakening….breathe…this is my first day and as day’s goes. A day when a man simply loves a woman.” 

Darkness 2007

The latest e-novel, Tree That Binds sells for 4,000 Imperiums per episode, get it now from your read club! 70,000 copies sold – subsequent copies will be autographed and first 1,000 will be invited for a book club meet. Get it now!



Did I tell you how Yeonriji (The Tree that binds) came to be written – it’s actually based on a Korean tear fest – Yeonriji came somewhere “in the between” period of my life in between a new job when I just knew things weren’t going to work out between me and my new boss, in between throwing my faith into the dustbin and making peace with the idea of living with the seven habits of highly ineffective Christians – in between the sudden and very real realization that I had as much writing talent as a nail whistling against the wind. (I am just being dead honest of how I felt during the period when I wrote Yeonriji).


You see till then, I hadn’t had much success in writing – my first novel the Singaporean Gangster in London had a circulation of some 50,000 sounds impressive, right? Only if you didn’t know most of it was given away free – my second novel, “Spring Moon,” more or less found the same line; till then, you can say; most of what powered me to write was very much like a man shoveling coal into furnace; as curious as this seem; I hadn’t even stopped for a moment to consider where all this was leading too; it just seemed like an emotional reality that filled up all the dead spaces in airports; train stations and platforms where time had to be killed. And for all I cared, I was out to burn down the house.


Like I said, these thoughts came in somewhere in “the in between” period of my life; only this time; it all change when I suddenly found myself on transit in KL for a connecting flight to Tokyo – as usual, I found myself waiting.


I don’t know about you; but I happen to like airports very much along with the whole idea of serendipitously meeting an assortment of strange people. So, having been a little cynical about the whole idea of writing – I clambered back and hacked away at my laptop thinking that nothing would ever really change.

But sometimes like some bizarre astronomical coincidence; serendipity kicks in eclipsing two disc – two lives – two destinies.


They say synchronicity; like magnetic forces and probably the power of Reiki crystals account for why great things happen; only it’s one of those distant hopes like winning the national lottery; one never believes it can happen to moir till of course it does – changing everything. 


But in those rare moment when it lines up, its always an extraordinary upside-down experience, as the world suddenly stops while the moon’s shadow shoots over – like

 “Are you Darkness by any chance?” The lady standing before asked and her outstretched with a manuscript that I must have absently left behind.


Of course, it feels a little dangerous to experience the eclipse feeling naked; I didn’t answer. I didn’t have too. Why should I?


However fatuously the moment had arrived, even if its only a passing glance, something akin to the truth is formed by this crossing of two lives. For a moment while it last; the bubble of anonymity seems to be pierced, yet a new space seems to have been created –  where life’s burning question is; what do we leave in our wake? It isn’t grandeur and glory that gives a life its eternal watermark, but the sum of these minuscule moments – when two lives come together unexpectedly.


Sitting in the empty plane to Tokyo that night, somewhere between the sea of Japan and the nine o’clock line of appointments that awaited me when I touched down; I made my way down the aisle; there she was; the lady who had once returned me my manuscript and discovered who I really was – there was really just two of us – I didn’t see how I could avoid it, the truth that is – I know it seems curious; as writing till then had been distanced, solitary and hermetically sealed – like a man marooned in some shark infested island writing, bottling and throwing it out into the wide expanse of anywhereville – one never expects an act of faith to ever come full circle; never, and anyone who tells it different is just fibbing; that’s just how it is – when one writes and throws it out into cyberspace – one never ever expects anything to come full circle. 

Standing there I had stripped of all seemingly essential who-are-you, where-are-you-going – yet I had a clear sense of continuation, of being, of ongoing existence, I had not panicked yet; neither did I feel newborn; it felt right. 

I was suddenly familiar with myself again, And for the moment that vivid and peaceful awareness was all I ver wanted and desired – to connect.

As I walked up to the lady; I am reminded it isn’t true what they say: we are all born into life – for most, life just waits there like a closed door. It’s only when we decide to walk through it – that we really begin to live, until then we’re just existing. And anyone who tells you different; just hasn’t lived.


The other side is always be complicated – sticky even – hey! but that’s usually what happens; when we decide to cross a line and connect – somehow that didn’t seem important then; what’s important is to begin – the journey of life, that is.


“I am sorry about earlier….I really am. Yes, I am very much Darkness.”


“I thought that much.” Dotty.




I am Darkness 2009


[On the return trip from Japan, I wrote Yeonriji in one sitting – “the tree that binds” – went on to sell 90,000 e-copies / this is dedicated to reader No: 90312 – Darkness – The Brotherhood Press 2009]

Regular BP readers please note: due to the closure of SLF 1 -7 and the suspension of the newly commissioned Ekunaba line / transmission has been disrupted – The Brotherhood Press will resume transmission and normal publications @ 1300 hr GMT – February 16 2009 – KOHO.












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