Even Love Can Kill You Dead!

Find out what the author of this essay thinks about the Strait Times – The Most Innovative Nation In The World Needs An American To Run Temasek??? March 11, 2009

Some things in life can get you killed – nope, I am not talking about the second hand smoke type of death. I am talking about the king cobra variety where you’re dead in 3 minutes flat.

I am talking about the things that seem benign, harmless and even safe; but nonetheless they pack as much punch as one swipe from the reapers scythe – people who deal with death all the time know this only too well. Don’t believe me go and ask any policeman who has ever worked in homicide and he will tell you – if you’re going to be slashed to death or stabbed, 9 out of 10, its going to be that dinky fruit knife or letter opener on your desk – its never going be a commando knife – if you’re going to die on the road; 9 out of 10 its not going to be on a stretch of road that you’re driving for the first time; its probably going to be the route you take every single day.

Death can come anytime, anywhere and it lurks in the most unexpected of places  – now most people will say that will never ever happen to them; but you know what; when they say things like that, they’ve just overlooked the very thing that will probably kill them.

Like I said earlier death lurks in the most unexpected places; that why I’ve decided to come up with this write up to give all of you a heads up on what I consider to be the top 5 killers of all time.

So let’s dive in starting from No.5

5. Things from above – you know what most of us don’t look up; but if like me you spend a lot of time reading up on Mossad and CIA techniques – then you must know that if you’re going to die unexpectedly, it probably going to come from upstairs; that’s why snipers like tree top positions – it maximizes on our natural blind spots.

Did you know once I cheated the grim reaper during a holiday in Malaysia by just shifting my sun lounger just away from a tree and within seconds a monster coconut that must almost weigh as much as a bowling ball just went clunk, broke the table into half like a karate chop – we are talking serious kilograms here; so if that thing ever hit me – that’s it. Now I am not saying that you should go around with an army helmet when you next decide to sunbath – only be mindful of stuff coming down from upstairs! And that includes cats, aunties, fridges and even the odd lightning bolt – as the Merlion found out when he was minding his business vomiting water, now URA is going to put horns on him (lightning arrestors), I really don’t know which is worse.

4. Mondays. Did you know that 90% of heart attacks occur on Mondays between the period of 9 to 11 in the morning – I bet you didn’t know that – Mondays are hazardous to your health; and one reason why Mondays are natural born killers is because most of us dread to return to work – so our blood pressure goes up; pupils dilate and our glands start producing heart attack inducing chemicals.

In fact, I hate Mondays so much, I just wiped it out from the calendar – what I do is treat Monday as an extension of a very long Sunday. So if you want a promotion or get on top of your boss; just ladle the bad news thick and fast on a Monday; when he starts to turn purple and bluish – that just means, you’re getting ahead in life.

3. Food. Now the reason why food is a killer is because we eat a lot; if you consider that we put stuff into our mouth 3 times a day and in between munch on other stuff as well, then in the course of a year; we are really talking about somewhere between 10,000 opportunities to die while munching on something.

The thing that kills you isn’t poison puffer fish but rather it comes from choking to death. Stuff just gets stuck in your windpipe and you just suffocate and die. Doesn’t take too long either about 3 minutes, that’s really how long you can hold out. So remember if that ever happens – just make sure you take off all your clothes and climb on the table and start jumping up and down. Hopefully someone in the restaurant will think its such a revolting sight they may even take it personally and give you a really hard rugby tackle thereby giving you something close to a Heimlich thrust. Remember don’t be shy about it – I rather be naked any day then dead.

2.Cars happen to be up there in the hall of fame of natural born killers – only because no one ever believes they’re going to die in a car; but I can think about 50 ways to die in a car; anything from spontaneous combustion to deadly carbon monoxide seeping into the passenger compartment – one good way not to die in a car is to make sure you dont confuse your car with your living room – dont put anything on your dashboard, bc when the airbag goes off, the last thing you want is to get a stainless steel buddha impaled in your head or something. When it comes to automobiles; always go for safety first, forget performance and the cup holder – I happen to be very particular about my wheels and you can really only go one way on this one, if you want to get it right: Mercedes Benz – I mean they are built so well that I once rolled over 3 times while driving at over 100 kmh on the ECP and my sisters kids were strapped in and after all that they just said, “That was fun can we go one more round pleeeeeeeze!” I mean, if I was driving lets say some Milo tin can on four wheels – that’s it. Finished – so remember safety belts are not enough; you need to get behind some serious engineering.   

The No.1 Killer is Love. The undisputed five chili killer has to be the love of your life – its so dangerous, I call this the silent death.

Don’t believe me go and check out how many crime of passions and suicides are the result of relationships gone awry – that’s why choosing who you’re going to go with is probably the most important decision you will ever make in your life; if you fuck this part up; I guarantee you; it will kill you faster than cyanide – remember it pays to make certain you’re not going out with some psycho woman.

Most men don’t bother with the details when they’re dating; most don’t even bother to check out the goods – remember when it comes to people who you’re considering going the long haul with, it just doesn’t pay to be shy on foreclosing on the whole idea of caveat emptor – for me, I don’t mind fake boobs, but I draw the line on fake people  – usually men miss out on what I call psycho char bor cue signs like –  

Men: What’s your hobby?

Siaow Char bor: Oh I am into cats..

And they stop right there, then never ever go further; till they get hitched up with cat woman only to find out she just happens to the mother Teresa to all the lost cats in Singapore – by that time its too late as they’re probably sleeping in cages in cat urine reeking habitats.

You get my drift – be mindful of the psycho signs. And pay attention and stay alert (please check up one of my post on interrogation techniques, this will close the loop on this write up.)

The way I see it, go for the level headed ones – that way, if you need something stable to make up for your incomplete ikea collection; you could just as well use her as a side table to put your tiger beer and peanuts on for your football matches.

But the best thing that you can do to avoid getting killed by someone who you really love; is learn to love yourself first; that may sound selfish and narcissistic; but how do you even give love to another, when you don’t even love yourself? 

In short never ever give yourself to another at the expense of cannibalizing on your own sense of worth and self esteem – if you’re going to give a 100% by all means give it the full toss of a decent 100%, but always make sure there is a 100% that loves yourself just as much – that way should it come to a sudden unexpected curtain call – you don’t ever do something stupid. You can close that chapter of your life under your own terms and move on with dignity – matters little whether its a failed relationship, job or even something that you once did but shouldn’t have done.

You fucked up Sandman No: 0774 / you broke your mothers heart into a million pieces and I don’t even know how to fix that and you left us all dazed and speechless; you fucked up big time – if you just picked up the phone and spoke to me; I’ve tell you that nasty piece of goods that you’re hitched up with is pure 100% garbage – girls like her are a dime to a dozen, they’re like buses; if you miss one another one just comes right along in no time.

It ain’t worth it brother. God speed, long live the brotherhood!

Darkness 2009

Announcement: The Confederation of Gamers will hold one minute silence & Taps for No. 0774 /Sandman @ Primus Time: 299437-94.