Do you remember this Darkness?

April 29, 2010

“Every moment can be your moment. Not some one else’s; but yours.

I don’t consider that reckless or selfish…savoir faire maybe, but certainly no where near reckless.

And you don’t need to be apologetic about it either.

Unless Dotty, you can convince me right here and now – it’s written on some stone somewhere – or you first need to ask someone for permission to seize the moment and give it to another person who needs to rubber stamp it before you can really call it your very own!

Show me where that’s written!

I think seizing the moment has to be a verb that defines the point when you decide to take responsibility for your life.

Did you know that the Jews have this thing called Bar Mitzwah – and the Zulu’s this other ritual they call Jha-Tham – where kids are supposed to cross some imaginary line that separates a child from adulthood – and  they both involve rituals that center around only one thing – knowing where you came from.

If you think about it, it makes perfect sense – if you don’t know where you came from; then how are you supposed to know where you’re going? My point, is what they’re trying so hard to pin down there is the idea of  you are the master of your own destiny.

Dotty, the only reason why you still have that niggling feeling that it’s somehow wrong to seize the moment may lie somewhere in your scripting – yes, Dotty, we are all without exception merely by-products of our scripting, me included – need not be formal scripting like education or someone telling you to turn left, right, up or down – but what most people don’t realize is even when we are just breathing and doing absolutely nothing – all around us; the world is trying it’s very best to get into head – telling us a million things; like how we should dress, talk, write and perhaps even think – the list is endless.

It’s conceivable the way we seek out patterns, symmetry and even make sense of the world is not so different from how a kid would follow a faint line superimposed on tracing paper.

I am dead serious. We are just echoing other people thoughts, emotions and feelings – though we pride ourselves as individuals; we might as well be just one faceless blob.

The really funny thing is Dotty; while we may all be able to form conclusions about our various objects of interest; or even have absolutely no qualms about defending what we all consider right or wrong – the question still stands – do we really own it? Did it come from deep down inside us? Or did someone just open our brain up and just pour those stuff in the way we refill a fountain pen?

It’s funny, but we never really ask that question…never.

That’s something worth asking; because if you really follow it, it can’t be so different from pulling a loose thread from a jumper and don’t be surprised, if the whole thing just unravels – in other words Dotty; at some point in this journey of self exploration – you will definitely have to ask yourself the one question that is not so very different from the philosophers grail – whether the whole idea of leading a purpose driven life is to be found in forgetting many of the things in our heads rather than learning new stuff – that’s why I see absolutely nothing wrong in seizing the moment for what it’s worth; it’s no different from taking ownership or committing one’s being to an enterprise – like a writer, every single thing you want to write or leave out on a page, every comma, every punctuation, every paragraph, every syllable it’s all yours.

Only let’s be perfectly clear – I don’t think that sort of freedom ever comes on the cheap – that’s to say, when you really decide to seize the moment; you also need to learn how to protect it – that comes with the turf – it goes without saying – if you can’t defend that thing that’s valuable to you; you don’t own it – doesn’t matter whether it’s that teddy bear you used to hug or the right to ride your bicycle on your pavement or even whether the old Ficus tree that once stood beside the red brick National Library was 10 or 50 ft high – if you can’t defend it, it’s not for the keeping – all I am saying Dotty – is you can’t let just any stupid person take the story of your life and write whatever he wants – anymore than you can just go with whatever your pastor says or model your life on someone who you saw on TV just the other day – it’s just got to come from deep down inside you.

Besides your pastor has no right to judge me; and I do not have to believe in a God and least of all his version of a supreme being to be good, moral and upright –  that’s a lie. I can just as well find my version of God somewhere in the sprockets of my bike or the mess underneath my bed.

I am not joking.

I guess that’s why movies are so popular here and elsewhere; because most people don’t really dare to seek out real experiences – as that’s only when you are really alive – they rather experience life vicariously. On the cheap. By buying a ticket – and the really funny thing is after sitting through it all and investing all their hopes, dreams and aspirations in the characters who make up the plot – they actually believe that by making it safely through the other side –  they have accomplished something really great – that’s what I mean – “by the cheap Dotty” – matters little what that might have once been – could be the good fight –or even the age old idea of good versus evil – only when the curtain comes down Dotty, I don’t think it makes one molecule of sense to be happy or even feel glad that you have made it out safely even if you tell me good has finally triumph over evil.

Because all you’re doing is living your life through images played out on the silver screen – that can never compare to the thing I am trying so hard to convey here – to lead your own life, not other people’s life, for all I care, they can all go to the hottest place in hell…I really dont know whether I am making any sense here…I hope I am.”

From Missy Dotty written to me by Darkness 2009.

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