Log 20-8-13 / All that glitters is not gold

Most people get worked up and become excitable for no apparent reason. That is one reason why when you see everyone jumping on the bandwagon and shouting, hip hip hurray!

The chances r, you will probably find me sitting all by myself on a knoll picking my nose as I watch events unfold – I much prefer to keep a distance from the perfidious rah rah brigade – it’s my way of keeping the ‘I’ whole. I’ve always been suspicious of the ‘we’ – as I don’t ever want to get swept away by the euphoria of the cheering mob – rather I much prefer to just look on impassively – you could even say this is very much part of my nature – a feature that if you are unfortunate enough to be acquianted with me, you would probably notice without too much difficulty – there is always a sense of estrangement. A self imposed state of exile even – where one is always looking in from the outside.

Usually I will observe this thing that has managed to mesmerize the crowd. I may eve go around it to try to better understand the underlying motive of this thing .Moving ever so slowly. Gingerly even like a hunter. When the crowd has dispersed. I will usually move in to take a closer – if possible, I will even take it apart and peer into its inner workings to try to further understand it from the inside out.

I will ask myself, how does thing work. Why was it created. Who does it really serve. And most importantly, is it really such a good thing like everyone says it is – even after doing all this.

I would usually suspend all judgement – and instead do something quite strange and inexplicable – I will just let the matter sit, that is to say, I will not even think about it or for that matter even feel the need to rush to form an opinion on the matter.

Then when this thing no longer seems to excite, titilate and enthral the crowd – that is usually the time when I will set it before me and look at it again – this time, I will just sit there and look at it for hours on end – in very much the same way, I spend hours just looking at the birds, trees and clouds.

And when a man looks at a thing long enough – and it could really be anything – then at some point – what will happen is that he will begin to see things that others do not see – he may even find himself pursuing a line of enquiry that others may see no profit in pursuing – but at some point that thing will begin to unravel for what it really is – the truth will emerge and usually and very regrettably most of the time, its an anti-climax. As I find myself clucking my tongue and sighing as I murmuring to myself,

“What is the fuss really all about?”

I happen to believe if everyone just cultivated the good habit of stilling their mind’s instead of behaving like white laced virgins watching a porno movie for the very first time – we will see the world for what it is – rather than being railroaded by spin and hype. After all – this hardly requires any elaboration – all that glitters is not always gold. In many cases, it’s just the old dressed up as new.

What after all is the fuss about? Only time will tell whether it’s really good or bad.

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“During the moment of my youth. I was regarded by many as an idiot child. One reason for this was because I never spoke a full sentence till about the age of eleven – that is to say, if you asked me a question. I would probably just look at you with a blank expression. Most of the time, I was content to look at trees – and it was not unusual for me to spend hours just sitting on a park bench either sketching them or just looking at them. The other boys avoided me. As either they or their parents must have considered me quite a weirdo – Or maybe their parents thought I suffered from some incurable affliction that was contagious.

I failed every subject except mathematics and physics which I excelled in and even managed to win several prizes at University level when I was in primary school – and even then, if I didn’t like the teacher or found that equation too boring – it wasn’t unusual for me to just doodle instead of completing the exam papers – so I was really one of those boys who were written in an alphabet that no one could really read.

One day just around the time when I first started forming whole sentences – a local king pin gangster in my neighborhood came up to me and asked me for my salary. I started working really young at around nine as a guard dog handler for a wealthy plantation landowner. I gave it to him. But when he did not return me the money I went to his house and asked it back – he told me, ‘look idiot, that is not how it’s supposed to work. I take from you and that is the end of it. Do you understand?’ He then took out a knife and started waving it around. I did not understand, so I just stared at him – I wasn’t angry. I just didn’t know what was going on – but even as I a young boy, I had a very intimidating way of staring at people – it might have had something to do with the way my eyes would seem to burn through flesh, bone and into the mind – that at least was how my grandma described it – she said there was too much fire in my star and I was cursed – so eventually this gangster got either so sick, tired or scared of me staring at him every time he met me that one day he just came right up to me and just gave me back my money. Two days later he died in a motorcycle accident – everyone thought I fixed him as he was last seen throwing back the money he took from me into a longkang – they all said be careful of that psycho boy, there is something about his eyes. It got so bad that we all had to move house. This was not the first time we had to move on the account of others fearing me for no apparent reason.

When I went to London to study, again I found that many people would usually boot me out from a job – I had to work and study. As I just had enough money to get there and had to make up it as I went along – usually they would say that I was slow, unresponsive, lacked initiative or that I wasn’t a team player.

Eventually, I found a job as an appretince undertaker in Kilburn, London where I became the employee of the year for three consecutive years (even won a TV and holiday to Spain) – my employer was so happy with my performance he even mentioned that I had the ideal demeanor and temprament to make it big in the undertaking profession – as I seemed to be able to soothe the bereft and hysterical with my elephant clamness could even ward off fainting spells – both he and his wife liked me so much they even gave me free lodgings in the basement. As I didn’t seem to mind being around coffins or dead people. That could explain why I wasn’t a big hit with the girls in my averagely miserable campus days. Besides unlike my previous jobs, there were never any customer complaints. So I was happiest there.

My night job involved carrying money for wealthy restaraunters in China town London – every evening, after finishing my job as an undertaker – I would go from restaraunt to restaraunt dressed in my black suit, black tie, black shoes and carry a briefcase that was handcuffed to my hand – the job paid very well. I think it had something to do with no one wanting to take it up – I can’t imagine why – as although, I worked only two hours a day – I was paid a full eight hours wage – I reckon maybe it had to do with the unusual working hours.

One day as I sat down in a restaraunt waiting for the till to be emptied – three Vietnamese gun man burst in – one of them came right up to my table and pointed a Makarov squarely at me – he began pointing at what I thought to be my bowl and screaming in pidgin cantonese, give me! Give me! So I calmly pushed my bowl of wanton mee towards his direction and pointed towards the chair – I was completely calm. That is the way it is was with me then – there is always a delay. I remember wondering to myself why did he need to go to such ridicolous lengths just for a bowl of noodles  – eventually his hands started to shake so violently that his gun went off accidentally and there was pandemonium, as all the diners and waiters spewed out into the streets – the next thing, I realized, the gun men all just ran out empty handed.

After that day, all the store keepers, merchants and restaurantuers in Leicester Square and Old Crompton street referred to me as the man who you don’t ever mess around with. They saw me as Death. As how is it possible for a man to look at death so cooly.

For my part, I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what the fuss was all about.

As in truth, I had absolutely no idea what those gunmen really wanted – I know this sounds ridicolously dumb, but that is the solemn truth – the way, I saw it, it couldn’t have been my briefcase – as the only thing that I had in it then was a banana, half eaten sandwich, a box of orange flavored tic tac and a thermos of coffee. You see money was never ever put in this briefcase – it was always given to the owner’s son – my job description only required me to walk around with a handcuffed briefcase all the time – at that time, I had no idea why anyone would even pay me so handsomely to do such a simple job. 

After that incident whenever I walked into a restaurant – everyone would suddenly fall silent and they would all look very nervous.

I remembered the words of my grandma then – she had once mentioned to me, that there was too much fire in eyes, as I was born when Mars was behind the darkest shadow of the sun, so there is hardly any trace of water or wood, it’s all fire – so I went to Boots and bought myself a pair of sunglasses and wore them day and night. Till this day, I still do the same.

Today when I think back, I shudder with disbelief at how the world just passed me by in the moment of my youth – it’s a miracle that I made it so far without dying – nonetheless with these lingering thoughts, I can’t help but feel from time to time, what’s the fuss all about?

As to be really true, there was nothing to really fear about me – most of it had more to do with mythology and I imagine lashings of Hong Kong gangster movies – as all I was then was a ultra blur sotong who had absolutely no idea what was going on around me.

Fortunately for me and to the great relief of my parents – I grew out of this blur sotong phase.

This just goes to show you how most people prefer to see what they wish to see – and even if there is nothing there – they will just make it up with their incredible powers of imagination….this aspect of human behavior never fails to surprise me – that I reckon is why whenever I see people saying to me this fellow is like this or like that – that idea is the best thing since sliced bread.

I seldom ever just take and run with it. Never….as I know so much of it has to do with the fervent will of humans to always put their faith in happy lies – lies they need to regularly tell themselves to perpetuate their belief that tomorrow will always be a better than today – I just wonder what does that idea have to do with reality?

Been through it myself…so I know the before, during and after so very well that you can even say, it’s very hard for me to just buy anything on face value. Only time will tell. And tell it will.”