Log 30-8-13 The sum of all our fears and fascination

When someone searches for ♥. All they’re doing is looking for their other missing half – it’s as if they know deep in the marrow of their bones…they’re not whole unless they close that circle of life.

It’s hardly a matter of choice. It’s perfectly natural. Part of the human condition even – from time to time, you stumble on someone who just feels so right – but hardly as soon as that feeling of wonderment washes over you. You’re suddenly seized by an under current of self doubt, only to set this person you once picked up slowly down.

You tell yourself as you walk away half embarrassed mustering all the courage you can to put one foot in front of the other – you don’t have the time, it isn’t worth it. Perhaps you still have enough of yourself to realize that this “thing,” that has become a source of fascination and intrigue can split you in half like firewood – but there’s still enough of you left to tell yourself. Maybe not…. you are not sure – you don’t even know whether you should stop, turn around and go back and pick up where you left off. Or continue walking and putting as much distance as you can between this things which has swelled to be the sum of all your fears and fascination.

Suddenly you stop dead in your tracks….you say to yourself, “what am I doing! This is what I have been searching for all my life.” You turn around and try to search out from the maddening crowd that person who you just walked away from – nothing…nothing…and with this realization, the only thing that remains is the bitter sweet memory of what could have been.

May not believe me when I tell you this – but that’s what most people do when they come face to face with the sum of all their fears and fascination. 

But whose to say what works or not? Who can tell whether it will end happily ever after or spiral into the perpetual grief of tragedy.

That’s why you need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry too much about what other people think.

Experience informs me that if we are really lucky. We get no more than two or three chances like this in a single life time. Some people don’t even get a chance. They just live and die, not knowing what lies behind this allure of fear and fascination – and if we let it slip away from our fingers, we will regret it for the rest of our lives.

Learning when to put things down or just grabbing it and not bothering what others think has to be one of the greatest skills that a human develops in the course of this great journey called, life. It has to be, I reckon…

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“No! I don’t want to share my trees and birds with anyone. Want it all for myself. There are some things in life, I don’t ever want to share with anyone – if I am selfish, then I am selfish.

These aren’t just stuff to me. I know it’s just numbers on an excel spreadsheet to you people. But there was a time when I didn’t own these things and all I could do was press my face really hard against the glass and look in like a hungry man standing outside a restaurant – so one day, I made a commitment to chase after these things.

I can tell none of you know what that feels like. As your mama and papa are probably rich. I can tell none of you know how it is to put a idea like a bullet in a revolver spin in put it against your head and go click! And to win it all!

And now that I have it – I am not ever going to give up my trees and birds.

I am open to buying you out, you know my word is good. We can even negotiate or we can even duel over it like gentlemen, but I am not just going to give it up. Do you all understand. I’ve come too far to turn back. Put too much of my being into this and so what is there left, but to see it through to the very end. Please do not take this personally, it is strictly business. I shall wait for your answer in the Eastern side of my lands tomorrow morning. I hope you will come with your seconds there.” 

Darkness 2012