Log 12-9-13 Everytime my enemies try to fix me and they fail
September 12, 2013
I get stronger. I can feel it – a dark primal force coursing through my veins. Everything is suddenly rendered sharper. The world suddenly stands out like cut crystals. Even breathing hurts. As the air feels like needles and thoughts acquire speed.
As for my body, it’s like dragon skin – it feels strange to my touch, as if my muscles are shrink wrapped really tight and every cell in my body is screaming to pop right out.
But beneath this strange sensation of having successfully made it through the other side without hardly a scratch – there’s a very dark undercurrent that over shadows everything else. I can’t pin point it just yet. But I know I’ve lost something – I can even feel that loss – something died in me – maybe it’s another slice of goodness peeling off and suddenly dropping loose.
I tried searching for it, but it’s too late – it went down into dark waters and now all there’s left is a swirl.
The change is so imperceptible small, it’s hardly noticeable. I know humans cannot sense it, but dogs can I reckon. A faint vapor of evil. Then again people who don’t know how to wage war should not be dabbling in Warcraft. Besides they should know, no one can hear you scream deep in a oil palm plantation.
Today when I return home. My dogs were all still and silent. Usually they would all be as excitable as spinning tops whenever I appear – but there they were looking on from afar….as if transfixed by something alien. It was as if they did not recognize me momentarily.
What are they afraid of? Can’t they see, it’s their master. Or maybe they see something else…..whatever it is… It cannot be a very pleasant sight.
I feel very sad that I am slowly losing whatever little good left there is still in me. Words can never describe the depths of my sorrow….never.
“When people say it’s lonely at the top. They don’t mean it literally, as in no one wants to be with them. That’s not the sort of loneliness they’re referring too. Don’t ask me how I know – I just know. To me the feeling is closer to a profound sense of abandonment bordering on estrangement. A dispora of sorts where one even cultivates a sneering look at the world – it’s a state of mind that most people don’t ever need to develop. As to be quite honest, when you’re down at the bottom – there’s nothing much too lose or even defend.
But at the top. Everyone is an enemy. You see a car parked outside your home – it means, they’re out to kill you. If someone is nice to you – they want a piece of you – that atttiude can only come from having seen too much and thinking about things that ordinary folk don’t ever need to mull or lose sleep over – things that you can’t even share with your closest loved one’s. As you don’t want their world to ever change for the worse. You see your kids and you say to yourself, “let them keep their innocence” – it’s a vampire thing…you’ve crossed a line somewhere in your head and now you see the world different from everyone else – you find yourself going through questions like….is he trying to cheat me?….are they conspiring my downfall?…. Like windmills in your mind spinning in the night when only the sweet sound of sleep resonates. But you’re wide awake. You and your paranoia – at times you just wish, you could dig a hole in some place that’s not even in the map and whisper all the things bouncing in your head and stuff it up with a clump of dirt. You believe that may make you feel better. But it doesn’t. As the things that you know, no one can ever understand. How can they? They don’t even know what you’re talking about – to them the world is simple, but to you it’s like opening the back of a watch, it’s fucking complicated – other people might read about it in a novel – seen it in a movie. But they’re none the wiser for it. But you know. You’re like one of those battle hardened grenadiers whose seen it all. And if you shared with them what you did – they will probably think you are some monster…so you keep it bottled up and carry this time bomb around with you….hoping that it doesnt explode and make a mess…now you see why, these people at the very top are not so different from someone shipwrecked in a solitary shark infested island – they may have all the money in the world, but it’s all meaningless, just decimals that all add up to whole lot of nothing. As they are so incredibly alone that no one can ever understand. Absolutely no one like Will Smith in that movie, I am Legend – that at least is what I think they really mean, when they say – it’s lonely at the top.”