Log 17-9-13 The hardest and most necessary thing for a human to learn to do, if he wants to be a human

Is to come to terms with the idea that something good has come to an end. To mourn it’s passing. Dry your tears. Suck it all in, in one deep breathe. And cobble together whatever courage there’s still left to move on with life –  while setting aside anger, bitterness and resentment with each step. Never once looking back.

So easy to write these words down. To even see it form into nice lines. And to even believe it’s possible. But…the hardest thing for a man to do and seek oneness with

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“There is one aspect of my character that will always scared the shit out of me. The idea that I will one day come face to face with the man who gave the order to poison my trees when I first ventured into farming.

You see let me share the facts of life plainly with you why this scares me. Allow me to even confide to you why even though this episode transpired so many years ago, it still retains the very power to disturb.

As when I see this man again. I believe there is a real possibility I will not even talk very much. There is even a very distinct possibility, I will just draw out my parang and hold him as tight as I can by his collar, look him deeply in the eyes and proceed to hack him – to do this again and again and again and again till he is reduced to pulp and I am covered head to toe in blood.

This remains a real possibility to my mind. Whatever comes thereafter let it come with the fury of ten galloping horses – I will bear it and face it like a man.

I realize that people may say, possibilities dont make for probabilities. But to me, it is very real. And that by itself must have the power to disturb.

In my calm moments I know that it’s wrong. Or should be, at least. It seems I even have the presence of mind to believe that doing what I’ve played out in my mind a thousand times will probablyl accomplish nothing and probably make my lot worse.

But the fact that I can even hold on to such macabre thoughts with a measure of deliberate clarity, resolve and singularity of purpose disturbs me. Above all it’s a very powerful reminder I still need to work very hard on this idea of polishing my character.

As the gold standard of how I must and should respond if I desire to lead a purpose driven life is to be able to look at this man who once did all this to me and to have no anger, resentment and bitterness in my heart – to even be able to smile and pity and embrace him as a brother. And to be honest and genuine about it.

I think when some people call me a monster as they regularly do – I don’t believe they realize how genuinely sincere I am to improve myself from deep within – when I say, I want to be good. I don’t believe most people know how much I want it or even what lengths I am prepared to commit myself to be part of goodness – but I know you believe me. Or rather I have to believe you’re still holding on to that idea – as in all honesty, I wouldn’t be able to write the things I regularly do with so much conviction, if I didn’t set aside some quiet time everyday and make the effort to think them through carefully –  to even search my own heart from time to time for the answers to so many of my vexing questions.

I don’t even know the word that describes this process. But for lack of a better word, let us just say, this one aspect of how a man goes about squaring his primal nature with what he aspires to be, has to be something intrinsically human – it has to something that even separates us definitionally or axiomatically from animals –  as I know ants can’t do this.

We humans fortunately can. And we should endeavor to continue to do so in earnest – we must work hard at being humane and never take that idea for granted that humanity is somehow automatically part of the human condition. Never. As it’s not – under a given set of conditions – you have no possible idea how easy it is for a man or for matter any man to suddenly transform into a wild animal – none of you have any idea how fragile the notion of civilization really is or even how easily it can crumble – most people I imagine back in Singapore would probably assume that they’re incapable of turning into feral wild animals, that they’re even somehow above it all – but that’s only because they are so lucky or haven’t been put into a situation that brings out the very worst in them – anyone can turn into an animal. You, I, he, her, them they all can. They just don’t know how easy it is to suddenly find yourself in that desolate place. They may think they know themselves. but I know they don’t. I can tell when I look deep in their eyes, they haven’t been to that heart of darkness…..they don’t even know that realm exist in some hidden corridor somewhere in their mind. They don’t know. I wished, I didn’t know this, but I know only too well…”