Finding your niche in this world, even if you are very different from others

All my life, I have struggled with the awareness of an irreconcilable contradiction in the very nature of my existence.

I simply didn’t fit in. Or maybe I did -to others, at least. But deep down inside – I’ve always felt as if all the world wanted out of me was to force me – a square peg into a round hole.

You could even say, ever since I could string a train of thoughts – this was all I struggled with – the idea of fitting in. But despite my efforts, I found it impossible to resolve this dilemma.

There is and will always be two different persons within this person called, ‘me’.  Like all contradictions – light and darkness, the sun and moon, black and white – if my world changed, I would cease to be the person that I am, and if I changed, my world would cease to be what it is. That as incomplete as it stands is the extent of what I considered ‘resolution.’

I think in the moment of my youth – the idea of not being able to fit in or find ones place in the world was certainly something that gnawed at me. I guess that’s only natural – as we all like to get along with others. We all like to be liked. We all want to fit in and seek solace in that sugary belief – this is where I belong. This is home.

But since I always been in a de facto state of self imposed exile – I am always like that person who stands outside peering in. That to me is how I have always seen myself in relation to the rest of the world.

There’s always a lag…a disconnect….a discomfort zone.

The idea to be my own man took sometime to congeal with me. I am slow when it comes to these things. But I am sure, if you’re a regular reader of my e-novels. You could probably be able to tease out certain aspects of how I’ve always felt estranged from the world without too much difficulty – as in virtually every story, the main protagonist always struggled with from this state of duality.

In my case I was incredibly lucky. I was able to create a world for myself separate from the world that I didn’t really get along with – it’s a peculiar world to most people. An alien landscape even to most Singaporeans.

The idea of a man living in an ocean of green – surrounded only by his dogs, the gentle sway of the palms and the indolent flight of birds. A slow and tranquil world that is so very different from that other world I used to struggle in.

These days no one dares to call me weird – they just say he’s a very experienced planter who prefers to see and do things his own way. If they call me names or try to make me fit into their mould. I have enough money to intimidate, bully and make them feel so infinitesimially small that they may even believe for one moment bacteria is even larger than them – give me more time and I reckon, I can even make them believe, they’re the ones who need to change and not me – in this strange way the world that I used to find difficult to fit in now seems very accommodating, forgiving and even slightly a less intimidating than it used to be.

I think if you’re someone who constantly struggles with the idea of estrangement and not being able to fit in or met the expectations of others – then it’s jugular to learn how to be comfortable in your own skin and to even cultivate that weird way of seeing the world so that you can find your niche in this world and be happy – never allow others to tell you what you should think, lead your life or aim for. Never!

The way I see it – when a man feels estranged, exiled or alone even in a sea of humanity – then all he’s really doing is pricking up his ears to his inner voice and it’s perfectly natural for this man to search for that missing jig saw puzzle in his life – these people aren’t weird at all. They’re just being true and forthright to themselves. Nothing wrong with that at all.

As the only reason why the world labels them as weird is because they can’t be bothered to understand something that they have probably never felt before. And that’s how it is with most people – they try and try to fit in and some do such a great job at getting along with people that they even lose sight of the idea they are living someone else’s life – that’s to say, if they truly sat down and thought long and hard about it, they would probably realise, they’re not nearly as happy as they would like to be. As all they’re really doing is living out the dreams and life of someone who they prefer not to be.

My point is whose to say what works or even what’s good for you? That’s why you need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness when it comes your way, and not worry too much about the details.

Experience informs me – we get no more than two or three such chances in a life time to find our place in this world, to be our own man to live life under our terms. And that’s if we are lucky – and if we allow these opportunities pass – they may never come our way ever again.

That’s why when those rare moments present themselves – it is so important to be able to see it as what it is – a door that can open to another place – and to just grab it and not bother what others think or may say and running as fast as you can.

That I feel has to be one of the greatest skills that a human develops in the course of this great journey called, life.

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“Sometimes to find yourself. One needs to get lost.”