It’s not worth it to say anything bad about the PAP any longer

It’s just not worth it to hold a critical point of view against the PAP. After all, I still have my wife and kids in Singapore – and my wife is concerned. If it was just me and me alone, it would probably be different. But if my social political views and airing them in my blog causes any of my loved ones anxieties (real or imagined).

Then I will just stop what I am doing. It’s really a two second decision.

I am shutting down my blog.

They win. I lose.

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‘Somewhere in the long journey of life. We are all brought up to believe in the idea of being true to ourselves. Now the funny thing is, if you asked when precisely this notion seeped into my brain – I can’t for the life of me tell you exactly.

I am serious!

Maybe it was just an idea that managed to latch on to my brain like how seaweed clings to a man who swims in the sea and doesn’t even bother to ask any longer what’s that thing trailing in his wake.

I know this sounds immature. But that’s how it’s always been with me…if you ever get to ask me about this whole idea of being true to one’s self – somewhere at the tail end of the conversation I would probably tell you, the idea has to be highly overrated and at best crumbly as for one to be true to one’s self requires – commitment – a streak of selfishness….and I just don’t have it in me to be selfish. I’ve never been selfish person. Not the sort who even buys expensive stuff for myself even when I can afford it without feeling a wave of guilt that I couldn’t at least share it with the people who I love and cherish.

Perhaps what I am trying to say is I am not the sort of man who ever wants to live in a way that causes pain to those who I love and so I must probably suffer from a deficit of conviction. Either that or I am just one of those people who just doesn’t mind betraying himself. No. It’s not that hard really. Betrayal. Not at all. You should try it! It’s really like walking into a strange room for the very first time. At first, the idea of being in unfamiliar sorroundings may rub you the wrong way, but as you sit there long enough and take it all in bit by bit, it’s surprising how even the idea of betrayal can grow on you…and soon you’re even comfortable with that idea that you were once uncomfortable with – trust me, even you could get used to it. I reckon every man has a soft spot, it’s really like interrogation, you only think, you can hold out. But as the pressure ratchets up, you will break.

You know I am going to move on to another subject that has always bothered me and probably has absolutely nothing with what I have been writing about – it’s the cryptic ending in the George Orwell’s novel 1984. It’s always bothered me because I could never grasp it.

You know the part where the main protagonist, Winston sits in a bar all by himself – it’s mid day and there’s hardly anyone there and all he’s doing is staring into space. In the background there’s the perpetual drone of propaganda from Big Brother and Co. Then suddenly, his previous lover walks in. Now if it was me, I would probably go whoopee! let’s shag! But that doesn’t happen. They talk about stuff. Daily stuff like the weather along how the trains are running these days. The mood is somber, distant and strangely detached as if everything that this two people once experienced never ever happened before….poof! It’s gone and to me it’s always been a very strange way to end a novel…it’s a strange, strange thing. Eventually she leaves. And Winston’s is staring into space again as if…..life goes right on.

Yes….as if life just has that unreserved delectable quality to go on like a top that can spin forever and ever. And that’s really how I see it when I put this writing instrument down…life just goes right on.’