El Niño no show 2014 and what this means for me

August 29, 2014

There’s an adage that is known by heart by all huntsmen – without the element of surprise a death blow can never be delivered to secure a decisive victory.

There is an embargo on me…a boycott…a conspiracy…a tacit agreement perpetrated by the rest of the landowners to stop me from buying up more land. As many of them believe I either harbor hidden imperialistic tendencies or that I happen to have the Adolf Hitler gene.

Truth is they’re all wary as I represent a new breed of farmer who can outstrip their yield which I have been doing consistently for the last two years. I been whooping the shit outa of them. As since I deploy high tech space age scientific farming methods and not their agaration kampung mumbo jumbo.

If there is a oil palm Olympiad I would probably garner all the gold based on my stellar yield records. It would be a open and shut slam dunk case!

To break this embargo at its spine, which is not an easy thing to do. As it comprises of a series of intricate social networks – I was relying on El Niño to show up and supply the shock and awe. The kaboom! The necessary component for a decisive victory.


I hatched this meisterstuck sometime back ago when the chatter about a possible El Niño for the 2014 season reached its peak earlier in April this year. This was the time was I was secretly installing all sorts of water catchment devices on my land to best ride out the expected drought.

By all accounts, all the evidence then and even as recently as early August suggested – a pronounce and strong Kelvin wave that had traveled east across the equatorial Pacific was already well in place. This one phenomenon presages the formation of an El Niño event and many weather experts by then started issuing out intercontinental alerts of an impending monster El Niño, but the expected failure of the trade winds that blows around Mid August this time of the year needed to turn this into a full blown El Niño, failed to materialize.

The trade winds blew like they normally did.

Since then meteorologist have shelved all talk of a super El Niño. It’s confirmed…El Nino is a no show for this year.

This throws a giant spanner into the works. As I was hoping the advent of El Niño would translate into prolonged drought or cause the monsoon to fail partially and depress crop yield and since the percipition will be significantly higher in the West coast of America and the Amazonia during every El Niño event – soya bean yields would be bumped up.

The combined effects of this would result in the collapse of the crude palm oil market thereby sending shock waves throughout many badly managed estates forcing them to either sell part or all of their estates to enable them to weather this calamity.

When that happens I would just stroll right in like the Shah of Iran and buy up all the land at rock bottom prices.

As it is, that’s not going to happen lah. Not this year – and when I consider how much effort, planning and attention to detail has been put into this one grand strategy and how it all now amounts to a big fat zero. I can’t help but wonder what’s it all for – it’s like bloody pouring water into a kettle with a hole.

But maybe it’s not entirely wasted. Because life is a funny business after all as when a door closes a window can always be counted to open.

At least the effort one puts in to understand and gain mastery over a complicated thing from the inside out endures. As when I look back. I have learnt a lot from spending so much time and effort hatching this diabolically evil plan – pushed the envelop of experimental and scientific farming to its limits and even retrofitted space age irrigation techniques to mitigate the debilitating effects of prolonged drought that I can easily adapt one day should I decide to venture into vertical farming in land and water scarce countries like Dubai or The Emirates – all that knowledge I am sure will one day translate into opportunity to engineer my much needed break out.

One day….all these pirates will all just line up in a straight line like bowling pins…the day will come when that siaow charbor Mother Nature will just show up and give me the one thing I need most…surprise!

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