Managing Nonsensical people effectively

September 24, 2014

In business time is the most valuable resource. That’s why interest rates and consultancy fees are pegged to time. So the last thing you want to do is waste time wadding thru nonsense. If you do that. I can almost guarantee you. You will be stuck in the mud. Success will always be so close and yet so far.

There is really only one rule…..


Recently. During a hunt for a very rare and specific fertilizer compound to increase my yield. For some curious reason the sales girl who was assigned to me appeared highly confused that my goal was either to increase my social circle by making friends or to improve my socializing IQ. During the meeting I found both the combination of her body language and what I can only describe as her lack of preparation concerning the product very distracting. She seemed more interested in marketing her fun bags and probing about why I live alone in a big house on the hill and even asked whether I felt lonely. So I looked her straight in the eye, paused and told her in a very serious business tone, ‘Please understand this is strictly business and never personal….but I have no intentions to fuck to you. I just want to know whether your product fulfills the criteria to increase my yield.’

Thereafter everything fell perfectly into place.


That same morning while having breakfast in the village kopitiam. One of the villagers who I am acquainted with only casually asked me whether I could extend him a loan. I looked him straight in the eye, paused and told this man in a very serious tone, ‘Please do not take this personally, it’s strictly business. I do not lend money.’ The man asked, why not, you are a wealthy landowner! I told him that is a question that he has every right to ask. But I do not have any obligation to answer. I went to add firmly, what’s important is, the answer to your question is ‘no.’

Before I left. I suggested he try his luck at the local village bank…the Ah Loong.

Thereafter everything fell perfectly into place.


During the afternoon. Since I had agreed to help out a friend who sought my advise last week. I had to sit thru a 45 minute agronomy presentation in the field concerning a plan to improve yield in his troubled estate. Ten minutes into the presentation when I had to pop two extra strong Panadols – as one part of my brain had to jump thru hoops just to follow the consultant. As he was deploying a host of mind boggling and confusing words such as ‘right sizing’ instead of ‘down sizing.’I looked this man straight in the eye, paused and told him in a very serious tone, ‘please do not take this personally, it’s strictly business….but I would appreciate it if you just continued this presentation in standard spin free English. I went on to remind this confused person by taking him to one side away from the ear shot of others. His goal is to get a buy in for his solution. Since his target audience are planters who are very serious no nonsense men. They should never be confused with folk who wear colorful ties and work in an arty farty advertising agency.

The consultant apologized profusely for his oversight, changed tack and the presentation resumed. My headache subsided. Thereafter everything fell into place.


After sun down. During the drive home via the back eastern route to my plantation. I spotted a lorry with five men blocking the road. They were all armed with parangs. I knew instantly these were fruit thieves. It was just the way these low lives carried themselves. I stepped out of my car and asked them what are you doing on my land. They looked at each other somewhat surprised. Then one them asked, aren’t you afraid of us. I ignored this person and turned my attention to an Indian man with a fierce handle bar mustache, pot belly with 99.9% body fat who I assume was the leader of this gang.

From where I was standing I knew these were amateurs with zero art of war skills. Two men were still in a lorry. The others were standing in a straight line six feet apart with the leader at the very front. Big mistake. I did some quick mental calculations and surmised. I could easily take out the leader with my tactical pen. With element of surprise, it would be 100%. Use his fat body as a shield and take out the second man with a knife throw, two revolutions at best…100%. Wrestle the parang from the first man hack the third man. In the confusion, it would be 80 to 90%. But I was assured. That would leave only two men in the cab sixteen paces away…too far….besides I had no way to make out what they were armed with – this reduced everything to a lousy 50/50. So I decided to talk my way out instead.

After lighting my uncle power plastic pipe followed by a long pause. I looked at the leader straight in the eyes and said ‘please understand this is strictly business and never personal. Now let’s think this whole business thru clearly. The furthest all of you lowlives are willing to go – is to put me in hospital. And that’s as far as you lowlives are prepared to go. No further lah! As your goal is to steal fruit, earn some easy money to buy beer. I can understand that. I am a reasonable man. But let’s get back to the goal. None of you came here tonight to end up with a murder wrap. Nope. None of you! That’s the last thing any of you want…to complicate your already complicated lives. That was when I looked at every man. That’s the big league…for professionals…for people who are prepared to go all the way on that one way ticket trip. I could tell the seed of doubt had been planted in every man’s head. Their resolve began to wane. They looked nervously at each other. There was a slight quiver in their eyes. Then turning to the leader. I continued very slowly this time… you lowlives don’t have what it takes to take another man’s life. That requires a certain understanding…..a certain acceptance…of a certain form of hell on earth. None of you want to go down that road. All you want to do is drink free beer….forget your problems…be happy…and tomorrow the world will continue again. I understand. I am a reasonable man. That is the goal….to be happy. By now, some of the thieves were even begin to nod quite openly. But even should you all decide to put me in the hospital. Then sadness will search for you in darkness like many hands of the Goddess Durga. You will all be like the Pandavas wandering the wilderness…lost…sad….afraid…wondering, it is not worth it! As when I recover. Since the world is round. I will hunt you all down like Arjuna, then I will take your daughters out for a nice candle light dinner….with soft music and wine. You can all even watch if you like. Do you all understand. Am I clear. Now get off my land!

Thereafter everything fell into place….

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