The Day after the great wash out

I’ve got to hold it all together. No. Not all is lost. Early this morning I surveyed my lands to asses how much of the fertilizer has remained after the great wash out. I lost about 30% I reckon. Yes…no more than 30%. If I keep telling myself it’s just 30% and no more. I wouldn’t feel so crummy. Doesn’t matter if it isn’t actually 30%. What matters is what I choose to believe it to be even if it requires me to adopt a militant refusal to accept the truth.

30%…..30%…..30%……30%

On my long solitary walk back to the house. There was still a lingering mist that clung to the land like seaweed. A dog barking some distance away rents out. It was the in between period. The hour of hesitation just before day break when everything around me acquires an eerie paraffin blue opalescence.

I remembered muttering to myself, ‘it’s only 30%….I am still to good to go!’ Strange isn’t – when one chooses to see the world only in terms of a fait? To see it all in the sheen of faith. To believe….to be even prefidiously faced convinced that absolutely nothing changes except what and how you choose to see. Stranger still is how one selects this lens to view the world, one even magically acquires the agency of power to be less fearful and less anxious and generally more confident – isn’t it amazing that a self selecting delusion…a thing of fabrication that one conjures during a solitary morning walk can actually feel realer than anything I’ve ever experienced before? One see things more clearly. And at that moment when the first virgin rays of the sun fingered over the shoulder of hills – suddenly it all came to me then – there it was standing there illuminated in its marvelous completion in the all seeing light of dawn…the truth within that delectable lie…. this is what it means to love….this is what it means when the poets wax lyrical Quiero que sepas
una cosa. Si de pronto, me olvidas, no me busques, que ya te habré olvidado.
Yes, this sensation I felt just then when I turned the corner and broke into the light. This is it. This is all anybody who talks seriously about love and being loved in return is ever talking about. Moments precisely like this when one just knows….anything is possible and nothing is impossible.

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‘I spent the whole night right thru into the morning pouring over weather charts and satellite pictures. What do I have to show for it? A big fat nothing. Truth is I like a man whose flying blind, can’t beacon out the murk. Don’t even know whether I should begin fertilizing again to make out for the short fall – can’t be bloody fucking sure! What if it all gets washed away like the last time…again. Then again if I wait too long – what if El Niño decides to show up suddenly and all the rain ceases.

Either way I am fucked. Don’t sound so pessimistic! You’re still in the game. It’s not as if you didn’t plan for this fuck up. Besides this round you made double sure. You even provisioned for 50% more fertilizer than what’s usually required – that gives you two bites at the cherry. Granted, first round is toasted….or maybe it’s just 30% toasted. Yes 30% definitely sounds far better than 100%! Even if it’s delightful lie. No a necessary lie…..is there such a thing as a necessary lie! I bet you just made that all up in your head this morning during the walk….yes you made it up!

No! I did not make it up! Truth is we all lie to ourselves to make our unbearable life more bearable. What else can account for millions of anti wrinkle moisturizing cream being sold where the only active ingredient is water! You…they….we all lie to ourselves…all the time. In the way cripples convince themselves wheelchairs are far more kinetically efficient than limbs or every school is a good school – and should there be a difference, then those are merely kinks in the greater scheme of things.

Get yourself together! This is what you know. Fact. A cold front is moving down the Andaman sea – these are rain bearing clouds. The weather boffins predict it will come down hard, as it’s moving at 70 knots across the seas…but the high pressure ridge in the Pacific and she’s closing in too in the opposite direction – so whatever rains that’s to going to hit the west coast will be mild. A drizzle. The happy times rain.

Give the order to begin manuring this Sunday!

Is that a lie?’