Life is never a open book

November 16, 2014

Truth be known. The account of a man is never linear. It doesn’t nearly half read anything like a book. Anybody who tells you…you can summarize the life of a man by just reading or listening about him is either naive or simply hasn’t lived before. Rather the account for me will always be a disjunctive mishmash closer to a drunkard ambling haphazardly in the dark.

To say, a man was born here, went to that school, rowed for that house as an undergraduate, worked for that corporation and eventually turned the wheel of life as the owner of that enterprise, once stood for this and vehemently disapproved of that, married that woman fathered this child and finally breathe his last over there…..says as much as the back of a chewing wrapper says about the mysteries of the known and unknown universe……absolutely nothing about the man.

As so much of what makes up this man’s life resides in the everyday detailing of his thoughts. In the darkened interiors of his mind where he ploughs thru the sea of his thoughts like some dark mysterious ship carrying contraband secreted somewhere deep in its belly….leaving nothing except a white frothy wake in darkness.

So little is known of this man and his life.

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‘To my understanding there is no such thing as a good or bad person.

Only words, thoughts and deeds that we can either live with or rather do without.

I once witnessed a man who everyone considered good man knock out a woman with a heavy skillet during an argument in the kitchen. Thereafter this man who everyone considered good looked at me dumbfounded and in a rare moment of epiphany. He blurted out to me wearing a dumbfounded expression – ‘I have never done this before.’ I guess what my friend was trying to say in a round about way was this.

Everyman has a limit…you, I, they, we all have this imaginary line somewhere in our head, if it’s crosses, the shackles that holds us down just snaps. If you have never done what this man did – it doesn’t mean you are good anymore than living in a cave makes you a geologist. It just means you are fortunate enough never to have crossed that line.

There was this time when a couple of brigands fell a log and blocked the road deep in the plantation to ambush me. They were out to rob me of the proceeds of my harvest. It was early days then and I was struggling to make ends met with loads of superglue, ductape and pot luck. The last thing I need is this shit. I had worked real hard for whole the whole season for this money and when I saw them brandishing their parangs and screaming at me. I wrapped industrial ductape over my hand and parang as tightly as I could and walked right out of my car like Robocop. As I meant to hack every man down as hard as I can. I am not stupid. I know how this is going to go down. One against four. But my point is I no longer gave a two shit…..I’ve had enough of pesky villagers…had it up to my neck with all the curve balls Mother Nature had been throwing my way the whole season. I don’t care what’s going to happen the day after…whether I end up dead or having to face the hangman. That’s somewhere in the distant future. There and then I just wanted to kill all of those sister fuckers. To paraphrase….. I’ve crossed that line of no return somewhere in my head.

Fortunately those brigands just exchanged, ‘this chap is not worth it’ looks and they got in their car and drove away.

The only reason why I’ve never told or written this down is because I don’t ever want anyone to think that I am capable of doing those sort of things.

When I reflect on this now. I realized how true that statement is – there is no such thing as a good or bad person….there’s only words, actions and deeds that we can either live with or choose to walk away from. I guess what I am trying to say is none of us really know ourselves before we actually cross beyond that point of no return. Or maybe we have, but by some miracle that involves a combination of patience and sagacity, we just managed to pull whatever that’s still left of ourselves back and put it all back together again.

Walking away….it’s a thing that every man is forced to do at least a dozen times or more in his life time. Be it saying no to a evil boss that’s hellbent on grinding you down to dust. Or just packing all that you can manage fit in a haversack and just walking right out of the door. Because you know that’s really the only thing you can do before the situation overwhelms you. Doesn’t matter where you decide to go. Doesn’t even matter whether you can reach the other side safely or that it will all work out better than where you are right now….all you know is, you have to go. Because if you don’t, that line is going to be crossed and since, you never ever want your loved ones to see that side of you – you walk away.

You walk like a man who is just obsessed with only one thought – to put one foot in front of the other, to put as much distance away from you from the thing that will change you to be the person that you never want to be.

That to me is how is seemingly good people become bad and that’s probably how bad people become good as well.

By walking away from who they once were into that new man that can either produce good or bad actions, words and deeds.’

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