Another new year

A good year to me is like playing catch the ball with someone who really knows how to throw a ball. A good partner throws the ball directly into your glove, making it almost impossible to miss a catch. That’s what a good year is to me….that at least is how I’ve always seen it.

Last year was not a good year….not at all….I had a lousy partner who kept throwing out curve balls. The sort that arcs ever so slightly like a banana and even when I manage to catch it, it always struggles to find that satisfying thump of finality that confirms it’s a good catch.

No good throws at all last year. I found myself jumping up and down like a crazed Jack in the box, reaching further in vain, diving, charging and tumbling all the time.

I know what people say, what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger. But these are probably the same people who have never played catch the ball with a partner who can’t throw for nuts!

I so want to be able to catch the ball well this year. I just don’t mean catch it. But really catch it in the way two Lego blocks come together with a satisfying ‘click.’ More than that, I want to keep catching the balls this year that comes my way in exactly that same way manner. If possible I even want the bad throws I make to come out as if I did it on purpose, as if my only object had been to make the game more amusing….intresting….and fun.

If only I could have that one epic game of throw the ball where everything comes together just the way I imagined it would in my mind. I just know this year would make me feel better than last year and strengthened my confidence.

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‘The great idea of humanity is – we are supposed to exist only for ourselves…to live life under our terms….to be beholden to no one except maybe the beckoning of our inner voice. Inner voice? Whatever…..but you get the gist of it.

This at least is what most people would say about man and how he should live.

Perhaps they’re right…..I don’t really know. Truth is I am never really sure about myself and even less certain about whether I can make it from the land of theory to reality.

The only reason why it doesn’t seem so is because most of the time….I just come across as cocksure. It’s easy when one has a strong jaw line, booming voice and really fiery eyes like Rasputin. I have all those things, that’s why people around me always feel that I know what I am doing even when they and I have absolutely no idea whether we can make it over the other side safely.

That’s the unabridged version of the truth.

That’s why this inner voice and being true to oneself along with living life under your own terms narrative – just sounds cardboardish. You know like those one liners that you see in motivation posters that nobody really knows anything about but everyone pretends to know so much about it – because if they didn’t, then you just know they’re not in the game of life.

Truth be known. At times all we can really hope is to have a glimmer of who we are. When we stand before this thing that comes our way….could be a health issue, broken relationships, a challenge, the weather but in the end we can never be sure whether we can emerge safely to the other side. Or that it will overwhelm us. Not 100%. You’ll be lucky if you could manage even 60% and if you believe otherwise that just means you have never gone thru it all and emerge from the otherside to earn that sobriquet term of endearment – ‘phew’

‘Phew!’ supplies an explanation of sorts about how I see myself when I emerge from the otherside. I know it’s not a word that adequately splays out the entire narrative of what it means for a man to past with relief from theory to reality. But to me it’s enough. To be precise sufficient. Good enough!

I am not sure about how this year will turn out. I would be pretending if I told you that I am hopeful. Truth is I am constantly assaulted by doubt. Doubt that I am not good enough. Doubt as to whether I have what it really takes to make the best of what comes my way. Doubt that the things I consider permanent and timeless will suddenly give way. Doubt , doubt and more doubt. It’s as if the more my life unfurls and go on, the future becomes more and more opaque and the only thing that is certain is I become increasingly aware of my own incoherence.

Hemmingway’s main protagonist in his novella about the promise of redemption in the face of failure – old man and the sea – was probably meant for times like this.

Every man goes thru moments of self doubt…..

But that old man had the distraction of baseball. He could take solace in the multitude of his defeats from the thrill of victory and agony of defeat from whether Carajuo managed to hit a home run in the World Series….but what balm do I have?

I need a fish. I big fish. Go on eat it….come around one more time….it’s delicious….take a bite….it’s so delicious….but what happens when she takes in the hook, line and sinker?

I really need a good harvest….if I can just have that in the very beginning of the year. I know everything else is going to work out just fine. Even if it didn’t, I could just as well console myself I had a sweet run during the beginning of the year. I am not like some men who ask for the heavens to turn and stand on it’s feet. A little is enough to take me a long way. I am not asking for much. I just want to believe in myself again.’