Close…so very very close

March 1, 2015

Yesterday I found myself balancing on a cliff road when my car skidded. I did not fear. I should have. But for some curious reason I merely sank back into the seat and resigned myself to what would have to come thereafter. I can only describe this as a bittersweet feeling of abject acceptance. The sort that’s even pleasurable in a perverse sort of way. I don’t know how long I sat there as the car began to creak to the faint murmur of cascading gravel. I don’t even know how many times the car lurched steeper threatening to go off the promontory….I remember it as twice possibly thrice, but my recollection is faint. All I remember was a deep yearning to surrender myself to this dark force that swelled somewhere deep inside me like some rumbling leviathan entombed deep within the depths of my subconscious. And now that it had suddenly broken loose all I could do was hold on as tight as I could as it rocketed to the surface.

I wish I could say what I experienced was a sensation I did not relish. Or that I even fought it. But no….I did not fight it. Truth is I found that solitary unalloyed moment deeply comforting… warm…eerily quiet…still like the bluish balm light just before daybreak when everything is suffused with a supernatural quality.

I didn’t go over the cliff. I just sat there all by myself in the dark. All alone.

Something is very very wrong with me. I have to consider the theoretical possibility that I can no longer trust myself. That from this moment onwards I will do everything to sabotage myself. That I am my worst enemy bent on self destruction.

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