Burying the hatchet with the dead

March 28, 2015

When a ‘great’ man goes over to the other side. It’s easy to wax lyrical about his accomplishments. I say it’s easy because instinctively as humans, we tend to get swept away by the emotional tsunami. Most people are lazy. They never feel the compulsion to ask themselves – why am I behaving in this manner?

That’s why it’s important to also reflect deeply on the human cost of those who had to be sacrificed to enable this one man to be ‘great.’

History after all only truly belongs to the truth….and there can be only one truth.

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‘I am a respectable businessman. That at least is how everyone regards me. It’s easy to form such a favourable opinion about me. Easier still for one to take the course of least mental resistance and believe it completely….absolutely…without once bothering to question it.

After all, I am well educated. I carry myself confidently and can always be counted to be the paragon of reasonableness, congeniality and decorum…most people don’t ever see the need to question my impeccable credentials. Nor my background – they just assume…there goes another model landowner who made it with grit, hard work. A pillar of his community blah blah blah even if they did, there are enough dead ends to put an end to the many rumours and speculations concerning my humble beginnings which I have meticulously wordsmmithed…mythologised….embellished….censored…..and whitewashed of all undesirable aspects of my narrative.

Tabula rasa…..like a clean slate….

But let me share this with only you…no one can never run away from the truth….I don’t care how well crafted the lies are….no one can ever run away from the truth.

This at least is what you say to yourself from time to time when it suddenly stands before you like some apparition…the naked truth that is.

You look down….kick the dust beneath your feet…..but you know it’s still there….right before you.

Suddenly you’re seized by this thought. You have go to someone and you think, ‘I’ll tell him the truth about my life…the unabridged version that no one is supposed to read.’ But why? You believe confessing is going to make it all better. That at least is what you believe or maybe you just need to believe in that ridicolous idea…maybe that’s just another to avoid looking at the naked truth.

True enough. You feel awful after your confession, and if it truly is tragic and awful, it’s not better now, it’s worse. As if the exhibitionism inherent to a confession has only magnified your miserableness.

No! The truth about you is not such a handsome thing….not at all. Neither are the things once said and done. It shouldn’t have happened that way. This is what you say to yourself….it’s a way of distancing yourself from yourself. A form of escapism like how children retreat into their make belief world of the third person Pokemon.

‘It shouldn’t have happened that way….’

But it did and deep down you know – as awful as it is…you wanted it. You didn’t just want it like an abstraction. The very idea took hold over you, till it consumed all of your being. You wanted it….in the way you to tore at it with gnashing fangs. You wanted it….like some mythical beast that rips a man’s heart out and wolfs it all down. You wanted it!

Don’t you dare presume to judge me! Who the fuck are you to preside over the facts of what I should or should not have done? You were not there…..You don’t know how it is to curl up in one corner in the dark and shake so hard with fear…to feel each passing moment cutting like a knife….because there were so many of them. Each wanting to take a slice out of me.

So I had to show them all. To make examples out of those who disrespected me. They needed to be taught a lesson. To never ever forgive. To always hold a grudge to the very end and to see that unpleasant business to its logical end.

No it’s a not such handsome thing….not at all. Did you really think I never once considered going the other way? To live and let live? To forgive and forget. To start all over again…..nothing would have given me the keenest pleasure, but I was afraid that if I did that they would all see me as what I truly am…a weak man whose really afraid of his own shadows.

No one must ever see that side of me. No one can. I am the man of steel…the hard, ruthless, implacable man. I did what I had to do! It’s not as if I had anything resembling a choice….what did you expect me to do throw in the towel and run back to Singapore with my tail between my legs….call the police…cry to mummy!

Is it true what they whisper about me behind my back…yes! yes! Yes! Only understand this before you sanctimonious fucks decide to judge me…..it could just as well have been you doing all those things they said I did! Everyone has a limit…you have one…and those who insist on telling you they have all the sagacity to do the right thing, simply have no inkling what a man or for that matter any man can be pushed to do when he has his back against the wall fighting one against ten or maybe twenty…it’s hard to say….I am no exception..I had no choice..they gave me none…otherwise there would be nothing to talk of in the present tense…absolutely nothing!

I did what I needed to do. Nothing more or less. I did not relish it – never even once said it was the right thing to do. Never! Only that it needed doing.

I don’t expect you to agree with me. Not at all. I can even understand should you decide to give me the cold shoulder….treat me like a pariah….or even decide to call me hurtful names behind my back. All these things….I can accept and I understand completely. Believe me I do.

Only, you don’t have a right to judge me. That you don’t have the right to do. Because you didn’t have to go thru what I had to…the horror…the horror.’

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