How I intimidate those who try to intimidate me in the kampung

May 22, 2015

Whenever evil people try to intimidate, cheat or make my life miserable. I will leverage on the wonder weapon of community power.

It is very simple. I’ve done it about three times and on each occasion it works like a charm.

I will fill up an empty bottle of Johnny Walker with Jia Jia Liang teh (as it’s the hot season). Mess up my hair and loiter around the village Kuan Yin temple and lament aloud like a sad man drowning his sorrows.

‘I have renounced evil…..but it seems being good is so very difficult.’

Whenever the temple patrons ask me, who is making it hard for you to be good? I will roll my eyes white and convulse as if possessed by an evil spirit – everyone will begin to shudder and run away exclaiming,

‘Evil has taken over the farmer…we will all be ruined.’

After staining my eyes with charcoal and looking like a Panda. I will amble to the Tamil quarters like a drunk Panda and sit all day long in the village chettynad drinking my Johnny Walker. From time to time, I will pick fights with the burly patrons, demand more free food and threaten to sing rude Indian songs if I am not given free Guiness stout and when I sense the curious onlookers has grown large enough. I will secretly put some Colgate in my mouth in the toilet, shout out at the top of my voice for all to hear,

‘I have renounced evil…..but it seems being good is too bloody hard.’

Before anyone can ask, ‘who has been making it difficult for you?’ I will convulse on the floor, go round and round like a break dancer while my mouth begins to foam.

When all the patrons see this, they will all say, ‘Aiyo yo!’ and runaway exclaiming,

‘The farmer is becoming evil again….we will all be ruined!’

During the cool of the night, when latex is runniest and the Malay rubber tapers make their way to the estates with their wife’s thru the darkened plantation roads. I will wear my skull mask and ride at breakneck speed like a mysterious Orang Minyak with my black Doberman in tow. All the while wailing in an unearthly tone.

‘Bo ho ho ho…I have renounced evil…but it seems being good is so hard.’

Whenever the Malay rubber tapers hear this. They will murmur quranic protection verses and this always sends shivers down their spines as they look at each other muttering,

‘The farmer is becoming evil again….we will all be ruined!’

On other occasions. I will use a faint blood red whiteboard marker and scribble 666 on my forehead and pay a visit to the only physician in the village who is a staunch Christian and ask him, ‘I have developed a strange rash. Can you tell me whether it is a mosquito bite?’ That’s the cue for the nurse, who is also a Christian fundamentalist to whip out the huge stainless steel crucifix and placed it on my forehead. I will pretend to be burnt, roll my eyes white and shout out in a deep and strange voice,

‘I have renounced evil, but it seems being good is so hard!’

For days thereafter the villagers will feel so disturbed and anxious. Many will not be able to control themselves. Eventually the pressure will mount only for all of them to march to the house of the person who bullied me to burn it down.

The moral of the story: never fuck around with me in the kampung.

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