Life

May 2, 2016

I don’t for one moment believe what the philosophers say about life – that one has to find oneself. I don’t believe it’s about self discovery. After all it’s not as if there is a well of wisdom locked somewhere in our head and all we have to do is drill really deep to discover treasure….no. Life is not about discovering yourself as it is the mundane business of creating who you want to be.

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‘It took me many years to find my way out from the labyrinth of autism. When I first got out…it’s like I had somehow managed to do the impossible and recreated a second version of myself that was now looking at the first version who I was – who was still stuck in that riddle. For many years of my life thereafter, there was actually two of me, the man who was still fumbling in this maze and the man who was looking at this other man with two feet in your world….he was me and I was him.

I wouldn’t say, I resented the world in the maze….it’s a world, like your world and I could just as well spend my whole entire life there….but since I was now conscious of your world….it became something that I needed to understand all over again.

I know what I just wrote doesn’t make a lot of sense to you…but my whole point is it makes perfect sense to me. As that was what actually happened.

Thereafter I had to rebuild this second person who was outside the maze bit by bit – like some intricate bridge made up of bits of scraps and leftovers that the world had discarded. At first I got it wrong, but since it was my first attempt, I thought it was right….only to end up starting all over again and again. I spent many years tearing down what I built and starting all over again – you could say, I was like a man who had an image in his head, but every time he tried to put it down on paper it was wrong. So I was like a man in a room covered with acres of strewn paper – I would for instance look at people and wonder to myself, how can I be like him or her. Then I would build it from the ground up.

I know what I have written makes no sense to you….how can it. But that is really how it was.

I created myself with my own hands. No one helped me. I did it all by myself and it was very hard work. As I got it wrong so many times – and since no one really understood what I was doing, if they didn’t help me that was fine, but at times, they just made it so difficult for me to create myself that they kept tearing away at what I was working on.

I don’t blame them…as they know no better. But that didn’t make my life easier either. I had to keep working at it. Even really simple things like being conscious and keeping one’s presence and not slipping back into the maze inner world was something that I had to really work really hard at.

Like I said, I don’t belong in your world. And my natural disposition…my default position is always to revert back into my own world where I stare out into space and do my own thing…but I can’t ever allow myself to do that in your world. As if they catch me….they would know, I don’t belong here and probably kill me….so I am always like Ultraman when his beeper goes off….I know that to function in your world for one or two hours, maybe I need to put in three days of work and a ton of effort.

The good news is I am getting better at it.

I reckon at the present moment of writing this – this second person is as close as I can possibly fashion to anyone that you will ever met in the world that you know as YOUR world….only I want you to understand this…I don’t belong to your world. As there is still a part of me that belongs to that other world that is the world of the maze, that’s where I rather be….that’s who I really am.

I am never ashamed about who I really am.

I hope I didn’t confuse myself and confuse you.’

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