A practical daily guide on HOW to avoid being in contempt of court

August 19, 2016

(1) Develop a keen interest in the weather. Hopefully when you do that…you will only talk about the weather all the time and very little else.

(2) learn to whistle while walking…this way neither you or anyone else will ever be inclined to talk about serious subjects.

(3) Invest in a Nespresso coffee machine. As the guilt of spending so much $ on a lousy coffee maker will effectively stop you from ever visiting the local kopitiam to chit chat about serious subjects.

(4) Play Pokemon Go. This way hopefully you will develop a obsessive and compulsive habit of only trying to find Pokemon on the go and that guarantees you will never ever have the time or inclination to discuss serious subjects ever again.

(5) Make friends with your local Kalang Guni uncle. This way you will only read old newspapers and this will mean even should you eventually discuss serious subjects…the case is already liao already…so you’re always out of the danger zone as you are completely out of touch with current affairs.

(6) Try to get into the good habit of cultivating an eating disorder. This way it is impossible to ever talk about serious topics as your mouth is always full with fish balls all the time.

(7) Develop a split personality. As contempt of court only applies if you are discussing serious subjects with others and NEVER to imaginary friends.

(8) Cultivate bad breathing techniques whenever conversing with others – that way you will always be a mumbler and since no one can ever understand what you’re trying to convey…it’s impossible to talk about serious subjects.

(9) Take up scuba diving as well…as it’s impossible to conduct a coherent conversation under water.

(10) Sleep with a mosquito coil every night…this is the most reliable way to dumb down your sense of smell to smoke.

Good luck! May the force be with you!

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