Ten reasons why a planter can only be intimidated by the city

September 30, 2016


Due to my autism at first I thought city folk were all very kind to country bumpkins such as myself. As whenever I stand outside a five star hotel. There will always be people pulling up in their Mercedes and Ferrari’s only to offer me their cars. Naturally I drive right off.

I don’t do this any longer as I now realize it can lead to possible criminal and civil law suits.

In the city, children will always ask me whether I work in a zoo.

Whenever I ring the door bell of a house. Everyone thinks I am the dengue inspector.

Criminals and gangsters stiffen whenever they see me. Some run. Those that don’t, seldom make eye contact.

Policemen salute me….and my eternal friends, the birds and trees all know me as a man from afar.


‘Autism confers upon one special powers like spider sense or maybe superman’s X ray vision. There are many things that I can do that will literally blow your socks off! – I noticed this very early on in life, when I had to often hide my special powers….I can look at a building just once. Casually. Indifferently….for no more than perhaps three breathes. Thereafter I can recount to you with uncanny precision where there is no possibility of mathematical error, exactly not only how many panes are used on that facade, but also the cumulative length of steel or alluminium that is used to hold it all together.

Since I like to line things up in straight lines – I can tell you by just looking at a plot of land exactly how many trees you can plant on it. I can even make allowances for gradient to either add or subtract from the final value.

I can even make out the slightest deviation in degrees between the stem and branch or the slightest curvature of a leaf and multiply them all to derive at a total percentage within a split second faster than any known computer and derive at a conclusion as to how much it needs to be supplemented with nitrogen, phosphorous and magnesium, right down to unit measurement of one gramme. Can even tell you whether it’s diseased. Healthy. Or you should just cut it down!

Can hold a handful of coffee beans in the palm of my hands and by just a whiff – I can even tell you how it is likely to machine. Under what temperature plus or minus .2 Celsius when the colloids will begin to separate from the oils. What setting the barista should be calibrated at to an accuracy of one hundred of a bar of atmospheric pressure to produce a perfect cup of coffee.

I can look at a stack of A4 paper and tell you exactly how many pages there are in that pile.

I can hold 10,470 numbers in my head simultaneously and still have a conversation with you about quantum mechanics without the possibility of ever dropping a single digit.

All these things only I….I alone can do.’

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