November 22, 2016

High walls that stop you dead in your tracks are there for a good reason. At one level of understanding – they probably exist to keep one out. Yes….it is very easy I imagine for one to derive at this conclusion, especially when one comes to terms with the idea – to scale these walls require special equipment and can only be very difficult.

But something very strange occurs. When a man sits before these walls day in and day out that runs so high and far. As time works on this man in the way oil seasons leather – soon he awakens to the very kernel of the idea….high walls are simply imaginary….they don’t really exist. Yes…they’re there. One can even touch and feel the texture of these walls against skin….but there are not really there.

Are they?

They just exist because the mind makes it all up – that’s when something very funny happens. Because should you push against the same wall that you once believed to be impassable by just holding on to the thought….they are not really there.

Your hand goes right thru the wall!

Stranger still is when you run full speed into the same wall that you once believed to be impassable by just holding on the thought…..they are not really there.

You will end up on the other side of the wall.

So strange. But so very true to be fact.

For me at least….

‘People often say to me – how can you be autistic? You seem to be able to speak, write and think normally. More often then not, they say this only because the fear of being abnormal keeps them normal – that’s how it is with ‘normal’ people – they probably think everyone sees the world like them….but that’s probably because they’ve never had to walk thru walls to get to the other side.

For me that’s part of the living condition – I walk thru walls at least fifty or sixty times a day.

That’s really how I see my innate condition and having to function ‘normally’ just to get by in YOUR world. No! It’s not my world and if appears to be mine it’s only because I’ve made an effort to blend right in. YOUR world and mine….It’s right between this duality where this wall runs thru in my life – sometimes there are walls within walls. At other times, they seem to be so close together that I either get stuck in between or leave a bit of myself behind somewhere in the brick and mortar when I eventually make it to the other side.

I am always having to walk thru walls. May probably seem like a miraculous feat to you – but that only because you probably don’t know how it’s like to be shut out – for me when I am on the outside, all I seem to be conscious of is the need to gather all of myself to make it to the other side of the wall.

It’s always an effort for me to come across as ‘normal.’ It’s never rolls off the log – I have to make double sure just before I run into a wall, that when I make it over to the otherside I mind my manners to making sure my fly is done up along with a thousand other things.

At times, when I am sitting all by myself on the outside facing yet another wall – I do sometimes ask myself, why can’t the world just accept me for the way I am…it’s not as if I am making bombs in my kitchen to blow up people or that I am doing stuff that necessarily even rubs them the wrong way.

It’s just so tiring sometimes to be someone else other than who I really am – I am just going to sit for longer than I usually do before this wall….if you don’t mind that is.’

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