December 20, 2016

If you ask me when I first came to fear – it occurred one day when I chanced upon another landowner. I can’t remember exactly what expression I wore that day, except maybe to tell you I was certainly wearing my sunglasses and not smiling….which isn’t unusual.

When I stood before this man. He was looking from side to side frantically like a scared child. Maybe he felt guilt ridden. Or perhaps he could sense that I could see right thru him like glass – his complicity…duplicity…the treachery. After all I had just been through another one of their failed attempts to ruin me. As usual I just brushed it off and got up again. That if memory serves correctly was the routine – they would hit me hoping that I will die and I just got right up again. Only on that occasion. I had crossed a line somewhere in my head. It certainly rattled my nerves enough to shake something loose I reckon…maybe that was what he saw momentarily…a flash of madness like the moment of quickening just before a creature sinks his jaws into the neck of a prey. To be honest. I can’t really tell….except to say nothing ever leaches out of me, not even when I am hurting. By that period I had fought so long and hard, all that remained was a very hard and implacable man.

I did not know it then…I didn’t even give that incident much thought for days and perhaps even weeks – but for some strange reason, this scene would replay in my head time and again. And I could do very little else except watch every detail of that encounter in that great movie theater in my minds eye – I couldn’t help but feel a profound anguish that I could have such an effect on another man.

I even felt profoundly sad for him. So sad that I even pitied him.

That was the day when I saw myself thru another man’s eyes and since then it has never occurred again – I have come to realize the meaning of what it means to fear.

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