Self doubt

May 17, 2017

Last Saturday I spent a lot of time and a small fortune broadcasting a cocktail of expensive fertilisers on my trees. I may have been too late. Today I sat down on my rattan chair. The eastern winds seem to be picking up in earnest. The temperature is slowly ratcheting up and up. As for the humidity it’s finally started to ease off. My fear is the dry season may already be on top of us for good.

I hope it rains in these few days….I need the rain very badly….otherwise I fear I may be very sad.

‘I came to consciousness just around the age of thirteen. I know it is strange and perculiar to say I came to consciousness – but when one is autistic it is quite normal to describe it as such. As not only is that a very accurate description of what actually once transpired. But given that prior to my presence of being I was really just stuck in a sort of submerged world where everything came to me very much in splotches of blurs and even sound itself can only be described as a version of muffled underwater music.

Unlike most people I never ever managed to shake off self doubt. One would I imagine have…if I had lived amongst very kind people who all read broadly enough to look at my problem with some measure of kindness. Since no such category of people or domain existed during the period of my youth or even when I finally broached adulthood. All I could really do was to sit next to the effigy of my self doubt.

Yes it will always be an effigy to me. Something tactile, textural and physical as opposed to just a fuzzy abstraction. Something that has the feel of being like an ant looking up from the bottom of a shit pot, where all the sides are shiny with slipperyness of the variety where one doesn’t even bother to try to climb out of it. Because it’s just so fucking impossible. The affliction being the knowledge that no matter how hard I tried to fit in. I will always make the situation worse for myself. And it would always end the same, all the time with the terrible realisation that my state could only be one resembling the awareness of my own terrible limitations, my hopeless inadequacy, the impossibility of ever getting it right. Not even when I tried my hardest. No matter how much one hoped. It was futile.

Self doubt is something I just don’t merely know about it – for me it nothing other than a theoretic science where I’ve even managed to distill it into three known states. As an invisible vapor like poison gas that when inhaled results in instant paralysis of bodily functions and thought processes…quite a disorder to have when one makes love for the very first time. Quite distressing. For the dearly unfortunate at least.

The other is when it appears before me like I mentioned as an effigy – a sign, omen or just a collection of images cobbled together in my mind’s eye. Often this image would appear again and again – at times in the most benign shape and form of either a shapeless cloud or the faint watermark on a napkin. I used to believe this was God’s way of communion – then it occurred to me one day that why would a supreme being even bother with the whole ridiculous idea of trying to communicate to me thru a slice of roti prata shaped like an effigy of self doubt – when he could just as well do the same with infinite precision and clarity thru CNN or Channel News Asia. Or maybe he would use Zoey Tay? I wonder could that be why she’s still around after all these years….could God be trying to reach out to me?

And finally last but not least is third shape of self doubt – myself. I am the receptacle of this state of being. This stranger that I have strived all my life to understand. This incomprehensible being that is the source of so much befuddledment to others.

Who still harbors the belief like an incontinent child that there is actually this homily sugary place where he will one day be kindly treated and even well received for who he actually is…you could even say I must believe there is such a place. Or maybe I should refer to him….No…it’s me I am sure.

I know this place exist. I have dreamnt of it many times and have even run as fast as my feet could carry me thru bronzed corn fields. From time to time I can feel it’s warmth like a distant star on my skin…I once even tasted it faintly in the air…one day I will discover this place… X marks the spot.’

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