Sleep comes hard these days

July 28, 2017

These days I tend to wake up suddenly at around three. Thereafter I find it very difficult to return back to sleep. Usually when this happens I put on my boots and take a walk with the dog around the plantation. I tell myself the night air will do me good and after that maybe I will be able to regain the line of sleep after I’ve completed the circuit….but it never happens that way, not that it ever stops me.

I walk slowly…. contemplatively…usually when I am beset by doubts. I tell myself time again….there is nothing to get work up over …everything is going to plan….it was very well planned right down to the details….the weather is holding up very nicely….work is progressing at double speed and we are scheduled to be two weeks early….everything is green…there are no road blocks none that we can’t go around.

But no matter how hard I try to convince myself there’s really nothing to worry about. There is always a lingering shadow of doubt that maybe it will all begin to unravel right before my very eyes.

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‘I think when one is autistic it’s terribly hard to be truly self confident….only because no one truly believes in you. I know they insist they do! I even know they can look you straight in the face never blinking so much as once to tell you…they really believe in you…But that’s a lie. ‘They’ might believe in you if you told them that all you want to aspire to be is the best toilet cleaner in the world. Or even to put together vibrating toys that bring comfort and joy to spinsters on some conveyor belt where people impersonate hamsters running on a wheel…doing the same thing day in and day out with roughly the same processing power it takes to tie shoelaces.

You can never be really self confident when you’re autistic. Normal kids can. As when their parents and teachers say you can do it! You can even reach for the stars! You know they really mean it….but when they turn to you and say these very same things – it’s just a form of self denial…a necessary lie they have to tell themselves because they don’t ever want to come to terms with the sad fact…they have long given up on the likes of you…to them you’re just damaged goods….the ones where the blankness of your stare merely confirms what they have always really believed all the time….you can’t even walk down to the corner shop to buy a packet of salted crisp without messing it up!

I’ve seen this written in the faces of those who make a big fuss of showing their concern for me all my life….no, it’s impossible to be truly self confident of yourself when you’re autistic.

All you can ever hope for is to slowly build up your confidence all by yourself…it’s a solitary road where it’s best never to expect anyone to cheer you on…with small steps in the way a baby first learns to crawl only to eventually stand up and walk…It’s like a man trying to climb out of a hole. Not just any hole, but one where the sides are slippery like wet porcelain…at first you fail plenty…then you begin to gather nifty tricks along the way to get that foothold that allows you to step right out of the shit hole…but even then you can’t really say you’re self confident of your abilities. As no matter how many times you climb right out and shout out, ‘I did it!’ There will always be that faint watermark of self doubt that will always be an indelible part of who you really are….an austistic person.

I don’t blame anyone specifically for my condition of always succumbing to self doubt…I don’t even blame those who once told me straight to my face…I was only good for this or that! Or even those who once gave up on me….I don’t blame them at all.

Because once you ascribe blame in any shape or form either to a person or institution. Then you have by default given them power over your destiny….they have no dominion over my destiny! Fuck them! I am the master of my destiny – I am the great planter of lore….the one who everyone speaks about. As for them. They were optional then as they are now and probably in the future. I have the power to render them all irrelevant by just the mere act of taking full responsibility for my life!

Perhaps this is the way it is for even so called normal people…maybe they’re just pretending like me to make it all appear easy peasy? Maybe when they’re alone taking a dump in a toilet…they even actually say to themselves, ‘can’t believe I did that! Whoopeee! – there are times when I just want to stop someone on the road and ask him or her that question…is it normal to feel less confident even when things are going well?….or is there something very wrong with me?’

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