The reason I think and write the things I do…..

August 25, 2017

Is not to accumulate recognition, wealth or fame….these things are not important to me. They might as well be on the surface of the moon for all I care. The real reason is because I realise deep down that no matter how hard I try to fit into this world….I will always stand out like a sore thumb.

Writing my thoughts down is one way to fit in I imagine…it’s a prosthetic.

You see the mere act of thinking and behaving ‘normally’ is not something that comes naturally to me as I am autistic. It requires considerable effort, care and attention to detail to even pass off as normal…I can pull it off so well that no one would even suspect I am autistic….but there’s really one problem – it’s not really me.

Most people I imagine just wake up, gulp down their coffee, jump into their car and marinate themselves in the daily affairs of the world like the way a fish takes to water. For me it will always be like an astronaut having to put on a complicated space suit before it is possible to even open the airlock to that other world.

I am always conscious of how I have to be hermetically sealed in your world and that awareness merely heightens the sense of my own estrangement. Often i ask myself – where is the world that I should belong too?

It is not easy to function in your the world. That could explain why I choose to do what I do. I wouldn’t say I much prefer the solitude of the wild. I would even lay claim to the idea this where I am in my element. But at least in this world…that terminal sense of estrangement isn’t amplified. Besides here I can apply myself to the practical necessities of life, like dedicating myself to labor under my own terms to gainfully earn a living.

But the wild is also a rhapsody of contradictions that doesn’t sit very well with me – for starters, it’s so cut off from that other world that it might even be another world in its own right….I can sense the wild reaching out like a tendril and wrapping itself right around my soul…permeating right down to the marrow of my bones…lancing deep like roots drilling into the earth in search of what I don’t really. How much of me has changed and will continue to be altered by the wild remains unclear to me.

But there is certainly a lingering duality within me that doesn’t seem to want to go even when at times I believe the moment has passed….there’s always a faint water mark impression. A deep yearning to be part of your world that I find myself perpetually exiled from…..the feeling resembles the sensation of looking at yet another world thru a medium like perhaps six inches of bullet proof glass….like maybe watching sharks swim in some cavernous aquarium….wanting to be part of that dangerous other world despite the finality of my condition and realising the futility of it and it is this that so often fills me with a deep and profound sense of sadness.

Is there a place for people like me. Will I ever come across people like myself only to exclaim – I am not alone. Or are we all supposed to just hide in attics.

But I have to keep searching for my world. The world that I belong in. I know it’s there. Maybe it’s just over the next hill….or maybe I just have to make it like those toy railways that come complete with church spires and even a park with little figurine walking their terriers.

I have to keep searching.

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‘Sadness is not something to be avoided. Because within the folds of sadness there is depth and silence. Silence is definitely not sadness, but it is very much like it. So when you first begin to turn away from the world in search for silence. You may in the beginning experience a genre of silence that closely resembles sadness. Don’t be afraid or try to run away from it. Let this feeling go into you. As it is not sadness, rather just the feeling of silence, the depth and character of which closely resembles sadness. People who journey deep within their inner being frequently encounter this problem. But if they give that idea time to mellow then eventually they will understand that this is really how the world really is – that’s to say if some things in life come hard to you and even if you try real hard you can’t seem to get it to click in place and that causes you to feel sad….that’s not the end of the world. As it just means there are other things that are better waiting for you to be discovered. Even should you feel a pang of sadness from your unfulfilled yearning. You should take it all in with a contemplative attitude, as it is only when one learns to savour silence can one appreciate how sadness can often impart depth meaning and gravitas to one’s character. It is like the canopy and roots of a tree. They are always in proportion. Though one cannot see what is happening beneath the ground. If the shade of a tree is sprawling so are roots….in the same way in darkness there is light…without sadness there can be no such thing as an appreciation of bliss and happiness.’

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