Politics & Diplomacy

August 29, 2017

Politics to me is the art of talking about everything under the sun except that which you should really only be talking about.

Diplomacy on the otherhand is the incomparable ability to say both no and yes at the same time and still be able to deny either positions when one is really pressed to clarify one’s position.

This should prompt sane and reasonable people to ask why mankind requires both politics and diplomacy…..well it should at least.


‘Trade negotiations will begin soon. And it’s not uncommon for the stakeholders to jostle for advantage….no matter how small and insignificant it may appear to be – this is not merely the art of pettiness. I assure… it is none other than its other higher evolved kin…the theoretical science of petty. It seems the venue has become a highly contestable issue this year. Last year it was the menu. The year before the sitting positions and the year before that the allocation of parking lots.

This year. The millers seem to prefer to conduct trade talks in their home turf. While the landowners prefer to hold it in their strongholds. I on the otherhand much prefer to conduct trade talks at a neutral zone.

But how does one go about conveying to either party that their chosen venue is not agreeable without coming across as a petulant child who seems to be kicking up and fuss. Perhaps one way to do this is to state categorically that one is agreeable to whatever has been decided and do the opposite.

It is not easy to do the opposite. First one has to be most agreeable and even give all the parties a verbal undertaking that one is most willing to see the matter thru as sincerely as possible. This I have already done to the best of my abilities which I can only describe as a feat that probably deserves an oscar nomination and at least two Bafta’s to boot. On one occasion I even looked at a group of landowners with tears welling in and told them all in a trembling voice that I will do everything within my power to preserve the peace and that they can absolutely count on me. Now all that needs to be done is to ferret out ever more inventive reasons to say…but and of course however..these are two weapons of intrigue that feature in any form of double dealing.Along with of course…My words were taken out of context….what I actually meant to say was this and not that! That crowbar always comes in handy and of course if all fails one can always take refuge in the idea…of miscommunication.

This I am yet to do. But I am sure the opportunity will present itself later. If that fails I can always engineer an impasse along with level wild accusations on either side that if they do this or that. Then I would respond in the following manner…it is with deep regret that I can only consider this as a declaration of a trade war and I have every right to defend myself. Thereafter I take out my oversized good morning hanky blow my nose and walk out. If that doesn’t work I can always avail myself of the persuasive powers of banging my shoe on the podium and demanding fair terms that actually only favour me and hope that someone would be sufficiently moved to appease me. Then again I might even break off negotiations abruptly by raising an old wound and making it into a mountain….but I don’t believe that will work as I pulled that capper last year.

Perhaps I will just go this year and take my allocated seat that for some inexplicable reason seems to get closer to the toilet with each successive year – after that when anyone ask me what I think about it…I will simply express in a sardonic tone. We live in interesting times….do we not?…and just leave it at that.

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