CNY rising

‘No. I do not fear death. I wouldn’t go as far as to say it has anything to do with courage. Maybe it’s just the idea that it’s so close to me every day that I’ve got used to it. I don’t flinch when I see a snake or even a tiger…perhaps I’ll take a longer look at it out of curiosity….but my point is it’s not a big deal.

If there is such a thing as a big deal in the idea of dying. It is the people who I will disappoint when I go over to the other side. I think they expected much more from me. I know this may sound awfully strange and contrived, but THEY always expected much more from me. I am after all the man who went where no mind dares to go and I did things that many other men can only sit quietly in the night and wonder why I could do those things…so that builds up the expectation. Or rather that inflates the whole impression that I was supposed to deliver more.

Truth is. I don’t quite know how I got associated with this idea of creating so much expectation.

Maybe it’s the way I see the world and everything in it – could even be the way I come across to others. I’ve always been larger than life. It’s really only when people see me in person that they suddenly blurt out in a moment of uncontrollable honesty – ‘I didn’t realise you were so short….you’re actually a very quiet man…..you don’t talk very much do you.’

But I’ve always been caught up in this idea that was always bigger that who i a man and will ever be. Strangely what exactly comprises that idea, philosophy or credo is never ever mentioned. Since everyone assumes that everyone else knows what it is…no one ever talks at length about it. I am not saying people don’t from time to time exclaim – they’re doing this and that to make people and planet better! They do. It’s just that they can’t pin it down. Or even tell you exactly how it’s done. It’s like this momentary sensation of knowing and yet not knowing at the same time. Something like being in a stationary carriage while the train alongside pulls away. For a while you think, you’re moving. Till of course you realise from other inputs from your senses that can’t be so.

It’s a bit like that with me…or shall I say us. You know something is happening…you probably have this realization it has to be big. But you just can’t pin it down….it’s like trying to chew your own teeth.

I wouldn’t exactly say this fuzziness or dissonance or whatever you want to describe it was something I deliberately created. No! If anything I am more confused than ever. Only because of the finality of the realization that I had no control over it….even the idea of the me is a sort of fabrication. Everything has been processed and filtered and glossed over…not by me. No! I was merely the curious onlooker. Someone who walks around a theme park when everyone else has gone back home…there was always a solitariness about me that stemmed from a militant refusal to ever be part of the big picture.

I have always avoided the limelight…preferring the charioscuro of my own suspended state amid this perpetual churning of consciousness that many termed we…us…them…they. I on the other hand was the venerator of the lower case ‘i’, an inverted exclamation than screamed thru it’s silence.’

To be con’t