The man of steel

July 27, 2018

I don’t know precisely when it all started. Could well be four or five years back ago. Its not something one does consciously. Not to me, at least. But I can tell you why I did it….I experienced a few incidents when people who I trusted took advantage of me.

At some point. I began to draw an invisible force field between myself and others. No matter who I was dealing with. I maintained a strict set distance. Most of the time I would use a proxy like lawyer or a professional service to communicate with others. Everything was carefully monitored. The person’s attitude, response and even his or her temprament to what was said and done, so that they would be rendered clear like a fish swimming beneath me in crystal clear waters. I didn’t easily believe what other people told me. Not unless it was collaborated from a source that didnt have any links with this person and even should I believe it….I was always skeptical and wary.

At any rate….there is bound to be some who would grow so exasperated and irritated by this convoluted chain of communication….they would scream out at the top of their lungs…Why can’t he just fucking talk to us directly! Why does ever single word have to go thru at least two people before it actually gets passed down the line!

That sort of reaction merely confirmed that I and the people who I regularly engage are doing a good job of keeping my set distance from others.

But I didn’t keep a distance with her. No. She was different. Very different.

How do I know. I just know. I spoke to her only occasionally. Maybe twice a month. I didnt want to intrude. We spoke mainly about the weather and stuff she liked to do. I listened mostly and at the end of it I would put down the phone and climb back into my turret and lock down the heavy hatch.

The curious thing is when I ask myself why do I put myself thru this. I have no answers. Besides I am not so sure that everything in life necessarily justifies a question or answer. Not in words at least. I probably know the answer in another medium of expressing oneself besides words. But I know to be right as it feels right. Whenever I speak to her although its just thru the phone….everything seems to be that much brighter and less dangerous. The world suddenly has less sharp edges and it even manages to look beautiful and ….I can even believe that tomorrow can be better than today.

You know its like a passing bitter sweet feeling. Like those bygone sepia images. When a dictator who everyone else says killed alot of men looks at a child. He smiles and as long as the moment last he seems almost lost in the labyrinth of his own thoughts. As if he’s reliving some life in the distant past. His eyes tear up and a smile breaks…..only I want to make this clear, its not for the child. Or that he thinks the child is cute and cudly.

You see that man is mourning the passing of his innocence.

I know these things that most men dont know.

I am the man of steel.

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