The Naked Truth about the School Teacher, Stranger and “Me?”

Truth is. It’s darn difficult to be truthful to myself! Nonetheless I am going to try and let it all out in the way a man empties his bladder in one uninterrupted stream of consciousness – I have too otherwise this journal wouldn’t serve its purpose.

Truth is. It is easy for me to believe that I am the only one who is present in the person who, I claim to be truly me – never mind that I have always known all along there’s actually two of me running around in my head – never mind even that my other dark half must have probably lived longer and probably experience more of life than this pathetic other half whose writing this right now. Never mind that by even insisting that there is only me who makes up the sum of who I really am – all I am really doing is masquerading as a normal person and worst of all that may have even corroded whatever semblance of normality I originally possessed.

Truth! I can’t deny my dark side anymore than I can deny the side who i looked on then when he made love to the school teacher – who has by now begun to cling and kiss him like a lover lost in her own bluish white light. A lover who has finally reached a point where she knows she doesn’t have to struggle and charge on any longer as he now has her in his arms – the expression she wears on her satisfied face says it all, she has arrived….arrived…. in the way a river suddenly loses all its strength and vigor when it discovers the infinity of the sea.

What a look? I bet you could walk down Orchard Rd ten years every single day and never see that kind of spent and satisfied look on a woman’s face.

Truth! He’s the one who she truly loves. Correction! He’s the only one who knows how to love her with the right mixture of hardness and softness that I can never aspire to understand? Truth! This isn’t the first time they’ve made love. She knows his ways too well. He knows what turns her on – he knows, how to hold back just enough to make her crave for more and when she can’t bear it any longer and is just about to explode like a grenade. He charges her with just the precise measure of sheer ecstasy of twirls, swirls, pirouettes that she soars high in his floating world – he’s got it down to a science. It’s always been that way even when we were teenagers. Something just hit me then. This can’t be their first time – they both know only what lovers can know about each other. Yes, how silly of me…..

Truth! The school teacher had always known he was buried deep inside me – that day when she had sunk her teeth into my flesh and peered deeply into the depths of my soul with those obsessed searching eyes – she was trying to seek him out desperately. She was calling to him, in the way a lone woman stands on a promontory of some desolate mountain range as she shouts out the name of her lover in desperation. Truth! Only he and he alone could have planned his own resurrection by using her – the look of love that she wore on her face then when they both coiled like serpents was an aching longingly to bring back the dead to the world of the living – her longing, a distant light shining through billions of light years to finally reach a cold and desolate wind sweep planet and spawn the meadow of life from something that would have remained entombed in death – when she waxed and waned, relented and yielding, feared and surrendered to fascination – she was simply going through a process of breathing life into her lover. Now I understand why she behaves the way she does –  she had no choice but to continue searching for him even if it meant she had to turn the world upside down and run helter skelter to find him. She did not care what would happen to herself. She would have done anything and everything to bring him back from the dead!

It’s all slowly starting to make sense to me now  – Truth! The real reason why I can never see myself having a life with the school teacher probably boiled down to despair. I was in despair as I didn’t know how to love her. Didn’t even know where to begin – hence my decision to do nothing, absolutely nothing at all: my action would consist of a militant refusal to take any action at all as deep down inside me I have always realized, it was him that she had always loved and not me.

Truth! This stranger didn’t suddenly emerged from the so called “I.” He has always been there like a dark substrate of soil that runs only at one level of level of consciousness. Truth! I wouldn’t have been able to be the man I am today if it weren’t for my dark side. He always knows what to do. He never hesitates. Never vacillates. Never procrastinates. Truth! I’ve lived off his back. Truth! I’ve always secretly hero worshipped him – as he is so diabolically clever, ruthless and efficient. Truth! He’s the cool and composed one and I have always been the fumbler who never really knows what he is supposed to do to get through a day. Truth! No one really wants to fuck me. I am just a hump back with a broken violin. They all want him – it’s been that way eversinced I could ever remember – he was always the ladies man. I was the one who would steal nervous glances and go back home and secretly masturbate.

Truth! I have always had a tug of war with Darkness and one day he just lured me in, seduced me with the simplicity, clarity and purposefulness of the way he saw the world. I could nothing to thwart the inevitable – his way is always way superior to mine – he always bullies me with reason and math. He knows how to flatter, bully and cajole to get his way. I just ambled along hoping that human kindness in others would secure my welfare – always the cool and deliberate machine – Truth! He’s gone there, done it. I am the one who likes to stay at home and pick my big toe when i surf the internet while eating pot noodle. Truth! is the school teacher and the commanding man – they have story that is written in their own alphabet, that only they can read, one that I can never even begin to understand. As I haven’t really been present in the whole business of life as much as my dark half. That’s why I hate him and that’s just another way of saying I can’t ever be part of that wonder he shares with the school teacher – and I wonder where does that leave me now?

Maybe I should just vanish?